A Secret World
Its been a while since I've written like this. A lot has happened in the last year or so. I am sure we've all lost someone to the pandemic, I have. And now that his anniversary is coming up, I feel the dread and loneliness coming over me. I moved away from my family, to live independently for the first time in my life. I have a housemate, but since I still work from home it is hard to get adjusted to all this silence. All this alone time. Perhaps this is the best time to finally get some leeway on the book I've been wanting to write. There are lot of things that I've been wanting to do, and it seems that the pandemic has put the world on pause.
I've been still grappling with the issue of my insecurities. They are still very much of a struggle, but I've come to understand why it is that I feel so..... afraid to let anyone care for me and I for them. It had just come upon my when reading a diary I had about even years ago. I found it upon my things as I got everything ready for the move down to SoCal.
I had given a person so much admiration and respect that when they crushed it, it crushed me as well. A close friend, who I began to like ( I had forgotten I even liked the guy) wanted be more than just friends. And as a 16 year old, with no relationship experience I freaked out. I remember crying and it was then that my panic attacks began. But as I read my diary, a memory I had forgotten surfaced. It was that sort of memory that feels like a dream. Once that I believe happened, but also I hope it was just a dream I have created. It's a memory dream that I will probably never tell anyone. But it it was true, which I believe it to be, much to my horror, all of this fucked up emotional turmoil makes sense. It finally makes sense why that even in my life triggered years of anxiety and panic. And I think now, that is the reason I find it so difficult to allow men to care for me and for them to get to know me. It makes sense why I feel so below my sister and why I struggle with my self worth. I have long struggled with it, even as a child, but I didn't even know it then. It makes sense too why I don't remember much of anything n my childhood. This memory dream was my undoing and my savior. I finally had an answer.