orz

Some lonely hopeless romantic
2021-07-22 14:33:46 (UTC)

I'm sorry

I feel like crying right now. I'm reflecting back on all of the experiences I've had throughout my life for some reason, probably due to the influence of music (music makes me very emotional) and just remembering anyone I've ever met. I know none of you will ever see this, so this is more for myself than anything else (like every other selfish thing I do) but I just wanted to say it anyway. I'm sorry. I'm sorry to the friends I made growing up in elementary and middle school, I'm sorry to the friends I made online when I started my first YouTube channel all those years ago, I'm sorry to the friends I made online in FFXI, I'm sorry to the girl in high school that talked to me, I'm sorry to the girl I met from the social anxiety forums, I'm sorry to the girl I met in the online dress-up game, I'm sorry to the girl at college, I'm sorry to the girl that I talked to for 2 years from another continent, I'm sorry to the friends I made on Reddit and Discord, I'm sorry for abandoning all of you.

The truth is, whenever I'm leaving, I want someone to chase after me. I know I'm a horrible person. I know. When I say "I'm leaving." I don't want you to say "I'll remember you." or "I'll miss you." or "Take care of yourself." or "I hope you find happiness." What I want to hear someone say is "Please don't go." or "I want you to stay." or "I need you." Although who knows if you said those things if I would've stayed anyway. I can't give myself any credit. I'm pathetic.

I'm sorry for being the way I am. I don't know if I'm going to do any better from now on, with the next people I meet in my future, or if I'm going to end up repeating the same mistakes I've always made like a worthless moron. But I just hope I can remember this feeling I'm feeling right now and try to not keep running away from people. Hopefully. I can't guarantee I'll do everything perfectly like I should. The only thing I can promise is that I'll try my best. I'm sorry for being so stupid.

Man, it's kind of sad and embarrassing how sentimental and emotional I am. I tend to think "Oh everyone's like this" but when I look around and read what other people online say and the way they act, they don't seem to behave the way I do. Is there any hope for some sensitive, emotional wreck like me? Do people possibly enjoy being around or talking to someone like me? Maybe none of those people I mentioned even give a crap that I left them, for all I know. My god... I know it's unreasonable to assume you as an individual are so incredibly unique and different that no one on the entire planet could possibly understand you, but at the same time, every single human being IS unique and individual, so... what if it's true? Am I really alone on this entire planet of billions of people? To be honest, I wouldn't be surprised. Even if there were a handful of people out there that understood me that I could relate to, the chances of us meeting would be astronomically small on a planet of this magnitude. So even if they were out there, I'll probably never meet them. AND DEFINITELY NOT IF I KEEP SITTING IN MY ROOM ALL DAY DOING NOTHING.

I wish I had the strength to be a better friend.


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