orz

Some lonely hopeless romantic
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2021-07-22 11:53:39 (UTC)

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(This is just some random stuff I felt like writing, it's not related to or indicative of anything, or referring to anyone. It's just fictional.)

I don't know what this feeling is
Is it love? Lust? Limerence? Admiration?
When you walk into the room
It feels like time begins to slow
And my world becomes fixated on you

When you walk up and say "Hello."
That one simple word
Is enough to pierce right through my heart
Right into the depths of my soul
I mutter the same reply back
And you just smile

That smile is warm enough to melt glaciers
We rarely have much time to interact
You're with your friends, I'm with mine
We have different classes, different clubs
But the few times our eyes meet
Feel like they last for an eternity

When did it start feeling this way?
This feeling of absolute bliss, serenity, and elation?
I had always been interested in girls
I'd have a crush here or there, but they didn't last long.
I didn't think anything of them.
It was typical, normal, hormonal.
Nothing special.

But this.
I don't know what this is.
It's not just some physical drive.
It's not just because you're the most beautiful girl I've ever laid eyes on.
It's your voice.
The way you carry yourself.
Your personality.
The way you laugh.
The little things you say and do.
The way you say and do them.
Why does it all seem so fascinating?
Are those things supposed to seem fascinating?
Are they supposed to seem magical?

But, I know this is as far as things can go.
To you, I'm probably no one.
Just some random guy in one class of yours,
That you greet when you walk by his desk in the morning.
That's all there is to it.
Nothing I do is special, or noteworthy.
I'm just... some guy.
So I know it's better to keep things this way.

The last thing I would ever want to do is make things awkward,
or make you upset.
You're already happy as you are,
Living life the way you want to.
Someone like me trying to impose upon it,
Would just become a roadblock for you.
An obstacle.
And that's the last thing I would ever want to do to you.

If I could, I would love to protect you,
to nurture you, to coddle you, to let you know just how loved you are,
how special you are, and how much you brighten up the lives of
everyone around you. How happy I am that you were born into this world.
But you don't need protecting, or nurturing, or to be told you are special.
You're already capable of loving yourself.
That's why you beam so brightly.
That's why you're so attractive.
It's because of how positive you are.

Yet, I don't know the full story.
I don't know if you're secretly hurting on the inside.
If there's worries, troubles, anxieties, insecurities you're keeping hidden.
That you only wish you could confide in someone.
Everyone has flaws and weaknesses.
They're unavoidable.
I'm sure you have them too, but maybe you don't show them.
In that case, I hope you have someone you're able to share them with.
But, I can't be that person.

I know if I had the choice, I would love to be that person.
But I don't have that choice.
I am nowhere near capable enough.
I am weak. In my head, I would love to be some kind of confident person, like you.
But I'm not.
I'm not confident.
I know if you tried to rely on me, I would disappoint you.
And then you would feel even worse.
There's no way I could ever put you through that.

So I'll just leave things as they are.
I hope with all of my heart, that you can find happiness.
You deserve happiness.
I'm just content knowing you existed.
That's good enough for me.
For someone like me, I really shouldn't ask for more.
This is enough.
It's enough.
I think.

Maybe, somewhere deep down.
I'm secretly hoping.
Hoping that one day, you'll be the one to walk up to me
and say
"It's okay."
"Who you are is enough."
"You don't have to keep being so hard on yourself anymore."
"You don't have to be perfect."
"You don't have to special."
"Just being you is enough."
But that day...
won't ever come.
But that's alright.
....Isn't it?


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