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To you, part two
Recently, my sister got a job. She doesn't plan on going to college or furthering her education, I believe. She just wants to work and I support that. I know my parents won't because all they talk about is her going to college with me and this and that. And to be honest, I feel bad for her. Maybe she just wants to work. People do that. And that's fine. There's nothing wrong with it. If that makes her happy with life, then let her be. I just want her to know that I'll be there for support if she needs it. Because I know my parents and I know what they'll say when she tells them she doesn't want to go to college. And I know once the time comes, they'll kick her out of the house because she isn't going to college. It's unfortunate and something I don't really like about my parents. I don't know. She's a little lucky if you get it I guess. She'll be able to leave the house earlier. She doesn't like it here as much and I don't either. But I have nowhere else to go. I don't have a job. I applied for some and they have not contacted me back. Perhaps that's good. I really wasn't planning on doing much anyway.
And I suppose that's the weird and scary thing about this. I don't plan on doing so much in my life anyway. I do want to go to college and I know I have to apply for it and for scholarships. I don't have a job yet and I know I won't be so lucky as my sister when getting a job. I don't have enough money so I'll probably take out a loan too. However, after I finish college, I can't really see my life from there. It scares me. What if I don't succeed in life? What if I don't make my parents proud? What if I become absolutely nothing and did all of this for...well...nothing? Looking into the future terrifies me because I can't really see one. And honestly, I don't see myself living past a certain point. It hurts to see everyone moving forward while I'm here just standing and not doing anything. I want to feel as if I can achieve certain things and that I'll be able to see a good future for myself. I don't know. It sounds selfish. I sound selfish.
I don't want to disappoint anyone, truly. But I think giving up seems like the best option at this point.
I need to keep trying, keep pushing myself to get out of bed every day. I'm living for certain people, like my sister and my parents. And maybe I should start living for myself.
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