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Ezoic
2021-07-22 14:03:34 (UTC)

Whinge

You know it's not all fairytales being connected to spirits, and being so sensitive to energy, it gets annoying sometimes and this heavy shit that is lingering over me is really becoming tedious. It's not them, it's IT.....this shift, the people, that has gone on for ages and I am getting so irritated by this energy just simmering in our atmosphere, fucking with my chi.

I am trying to find a loveliness with a man because as it stands all other parts of my life are just beautiful, but I want to share experiences and create loving memories with a man and while I have attempted the hand at dating, which took me ageeeees to actually do because I dislike all the getting to know them/me stage. I want to bypass it and just get on with living happily. Yet, my experiences so far in the dating scene has just added more shittiness to the already shitty energy in the atmosphere from all the people getting angry at the officials I am trying very hard to push aside so I can function and focus.

The only time I find relief is when I am out in the countryside, it's like therapy helping me back on form.

I am playing music by the god of classical music right now, my main man, Ludovico Einaudi. And yet, it is struggling to penetrate me. Einaudi always penetrates my soul, what the fuck? I have zero interest in my work, so far removed from the importance of it, it's a little worrying. I need to reset and sort this out. As it stands, I have little to concern over as I am way ahead of targets for my branches and my personal target, it moving smoothly despite my colleagues dropping like flies with isolations and stock issues.

I don't even want sex right now, not like I was craving previously. I think I may be on a very fine line away from giving up on a man, I just cannot be arsed with the dance, the imperfections they make me feel about myself when I am absolutely fine the way I am. The expectations, their ego's, oh my days! Seriously, I have not documented all the things guys have said to me but my god, it's just too much, too crass, and assuming. As I said, I am neither good nor bad, but the dating scene brings out the worse in me making my imagination go wild with horrific horror scenes, and they aren't the ones surviving! Lol

It's awful, what I have had to put up with I am judged so heavily by men and I don't think anybody has ever documented how terrible it is for a man or woman's mental health. I am strong-minded and accept diversity of all but the lack of basic manners and morals are another thing, that I cannot do and I have had to do so much emotional recuperation and resetting of boundaries and self-esteem just to continue on the quest of finding a man for me.

But now, I am out of steam, out of oomph to trust in trying.

I just need peace of mind.


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