Do What You Fear
Lex is away until I think Monday, and Japan and Eddie are also away. I have just been isolating myself basically. I haven't felt like talking to anyone. The Elsa drama has really given me a dark view of stuff, too. People are having a party, but I don't really know them. I have mostly been at my mum's.
Lex came home and leaves in a week. I feel like I have been pathetic over the whole thing with him. I am crying again, like I am going through an imaginary breakup. He said he is going to be gone for like "at least two years." Fuck. Somehow him being back for this week is making me cry about it more. And I can't express it to people. That's the worst thing. I'm sick of keeping everything to myself.
After writing the above bit, I cried for about three hours straight, like full on sobbed. I hadn't cried that hard since I was in suicidal depression phases years ago. (This was different, not suicidal depression or even depression at all.) In the morning, my eyes were swollen and I cried a little more.
I talked to Lex in the kitchen and casually discussed how I am upset he is leaving and blah blah blah, and then the possibility of me moving to Spain. He said, "that would be great." But then he said, "Imagine if the whole house moved there. That'd be amazing." And I felt less special. Then he said, "Imagine if [my real name] just showed up in Spain. We'd be like 'Oh hi.' 'Hi.' 'Do you wanna get a coffee?' And then you'd just be living in Barcelona and that'd be all there is to it." He said this all in this kind of dreamy voice. But maybe he really doesn't see us dating, although I probably can't read into that one jokey sentence too much.
If I really did move to Spain, it would maybe be a lot to tell him I have a crush on him (or really am basically in love with him) before moving there. I would never move to Spain just to potentially date Lex. Maybe I would move there because it sounds like a cool place and I kind of want to move somewhere anyway. I don't think I will really move to Spain, but it just makes me feel better to imagine it. Like, that is always a potential option if I start to hate it here. And maybe I really would date Lex.
But. I will try date some other people after he leaves. I realised I am just really ready to date someone. Its like I have waited so long to attempt a serious relationship that I am very, very ready for one. It doesn't have to be with Lex.
Also. I think I do still have some level of chronic fatigue. I got out of bed today at 1 PM and it is now almost 11 PM and I feel like I need to sleep. And I didn't do much today. And most days, I feel like I need to nap for like a couple hours during the day. So essentially, it's like I need probably 10 hours sleep a night? But I guess it is pretty good for someone with that disorder that I am even able to do everything I do. Like, I just need to sleep enough and not stress too much and I'm fine.
I also am kind of doing some lowkey ocd things again. Just obsessively arranging stuff in my room mostly, making it all line up exactly and then looking at it and looking at it, and lining it all up again differently. It only sounds like ocd when I type it out like that, but really it feels okay to do it. I also have been staring at myself in the mirror for probably hours, looking at problems. You know, standard.
I am starting to feel better about him leaving. Crying for hours and reading stuff on the internet about how to get over someone you never dated really helped. And also allowing myself to sulk in front of people, and telling him like every time I see him that I am sad he is leaving and there's a high chance he will get covid, etc.
It also makes me think that, Lex knows he could stay here and potentially date me. I haven't overtly said that, but I think it is obvious I would want to. And Lex has decided to move to Spain instead, because Lex is kind of an adventurous and impulsive person. Which is also what I like about him. And also why Lex doesn't stay in long term relationships, so why it would probably just ultimately never work out. So with him leaving, I can officially move on.
But, I am going to make an effort to stay in touch. It is kind of amazing how I am friends with all the people I've had intense crushes on over the past few years.
I felt fine yesterday and the day before, but now I feel sad and teary again. I think it's because I haven't seen Lex today, whereas yesterday and the day before we hung out for hours. Actually, maybe it's because I kind of think he's probably with his ex right now, who he def is still into and has a kind of intense friendship with. He acts similarly to me as he does to her. And that hurts but I can't say that because we aren't together.
If I see him later today, I'll probably feel fine again. And that is concerning since he's leaving in five days. And I know in Spain he will realistically probably fall in love with someone else, and that will hurt even more than his friendship with his ex. I think basically, he is going to take a while to get over, and I just have to accept that. This is the closest thing I've experienced to a breakup (with someone I really like).
And if I haven't said it before, it is so ironic, because I think the threat of this happening is the reason I avoid actual romantic relationships with people I am this into. And I think this happening now we haven't dated is actually more painful that if we had dated, because it is that much more confusing. So I guess it's fucking annoying that I have to deal with this pain anyway. But also, I am dealing with it, so why do I avoid actual relationships? God. Love is fucking crazy.
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