Day In the Life of an American Teen
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2021-07-22 06:10:46 (UTC)

Doesn't make sense to me

Talking about my feelings is really hard. At least to people.

Leo was mad at me tonight because I don't show him I care enough. That's a reasonable request, isn't it? To ask someone to show that they care about you? I don't know why it's so hard for me.

He's mad that I don't remember anything. Unless it's a triggered memory, I won't remember anything. I think it's more of a superpower. I can just forget anything if I don't want to feel it. I'm not sure if I'm forgetting it or choosing not to think about it. It won't bother me or hurt my feelings until I remember it and relive it. Until then, I won't give a shit. I'm not sure.

Anyways, he's mad at me. I don't know where this fear came from. Whenever I try to be vulnerable and talk about anything, I'm shaking and I can't breathe. I don't know how else to describe it other than my vision feels like I'm using one of those VR headsets. You know when you look down and you can your player's hands but they feel wrongly far from your shoulders and your disconnected. I feel like I'm looking at my room through a VR headset and my body doesn't look like mine.

But he insists over and over that I talk to him and stop acting like a robot but it just doesn't work. My body just shuts down. It's not just him.

Whenever I try talking to my mom, to someone in person, it's like I'm having a stroke. I genuinely can't read facial expressions. They look like aliens and I can't understand their language.

But, yeah, I'm fucked. Because I do care but I don't know what he wants from me. I'm a physical person. Kisses, hugs, leave you notes on the mirror you can read when you're getting ready for work, buy you things. I don't want to say how I feel.

I feel like it's because of Odin. I had no problem telling him how much I 'loved' him and how much he mean't to me. How I felt then. It doesn't hurt my feelings anymore, the way he left, but I had no problem talking to him and now it's a big deal.

Why tell someone how I feel if they're just gonna use it against me and leave me anyways? Doesn't make sense to me.

Everytime I say "doesn't make sense to me," I say it in Patrick's voice form that one episode of Spongebob, Which leads me into my next point, I'm Chandler from Friends and I don't know how to say anything serious which making a joke so that I don't have to face the actual intensity of the situation.

I don't know how to fix any of that so oh well.

I feel like a failure of a girlfriend. I feel such a pressure to be 'good' for him. I feel like I'm performing anytime things get serious, both sexually and within the conversation. He hasn't even asked me for any nudes, I don't know why I feel so pressured.

He wants me to talk to him to get him off but I feel like I'm saying the wrong things. I don't like being in control. I don't want to have to think when I'm having sex, I just let being hit and taken advantage of.

I just want to run away and close my eyes and block him and pretend like nothing ever happened. He thinks I'm a coward for that.

Don't know what I'm supposed to do. Doesn't make sense to me.