Some lonely hopeless romantic
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2021-07-21 22:00:25 (UTC)

So much for that

Well it seems like classes are still being restricted to online only in my area, so so much for that sudden burst of inspiration. I don't really think meeting people through Zoom is the way I intend on getting close to people. Oh well, guess that's still on hiatus for now. Fuck my life. Well, there is always online, right? Uhhh...

Online dating or friend making always -seems- like a novel idea, but it's rarely worked out for me. In my experience it's really hard to feel attracted when there's literally no physical presence of the other person. All it comes down to is a meshing of words, ideas, beliefs, desires, and personalities. And in that regard, I hardly get along with anyone intimately online. I have yet to find anyone I could relate to deeply. And since it's just online, there's no in-person activities to do together to bond or anything. It's just... talking. And I have very little to contribute to small talk. I'm only good at typing incessantly long amounts about crap like this, which isn't exactly bonding material. It's just me jabbering.

I happened to just read another manga today, about a boy and a girl that met online and only communicated there. They both had to hide their true selves in reality but only online were they able to connect and be real with one another and share who they were. It really struck a chord with me and I felt it deeply. It was a very relatable story. Well, except for the part of actually meeting someone online I could relate to of the opposite gender. The thing is, the boy didn't even know she was a girl. She was pretending to be a boy. Now that's pretty interesting.

I have made a fair number of "friends" online that happened to be women, without the intention of us seeing if we were compatible. But that's generally never worked out well. They would either already be taken, would not be looking for relationships, or just were not attracted to me. Even then, none of them were friends I really got along with deeply for very long at all. So, it's been hard. Whether it be online or in-person, I have had a very hard time actually being compatible with anyone. They say meeting the right people is just a numbers game, but hoo boy, I sure have gone through a lot of numbers by now! Hundreds. I must be particularly, uh, "niche" let's say if it's taking this long just to understand how to relate to people.

Although, harder than the part of relating, is the part of putting myself out there and taking the first step to initiate. I'm... really not sure how to? Where do you even go to meet the right people? In-person it's most likely either school or work, and you'll just a get a random assortment of people you may or may not be even remotely compatible with. Online there are many places where people with similar interests can gather, but they're usually group oriented settings, like chatrooms or forums, where a bunch of people all talk together. Not exactly used for one-on-one bonding.

I suppose there are several "friend-making" forums around where you leave posts specifically asking to make new friends. It's how I've met people online in the past, but... something about it just doesn't sit right with me. Is my mind really in the right place? Is my heart in the right place? Sure, in fiction it's a given that all of the romance stories revolve around a guy and girl that were just casual friends due to circumstance and coincidence, that just end up falling for one another for whatever reason. The guys that are going around seeking out love are usually the butt of the joke, and are seen as fools. So who am I to go around trying to make "friends" when in the back of my mind I'm secretly just wishing it could become something more?

Wouldn't that make me deceitful? I wouldn't be able to live with that. If there's anything I can't handle, it's being dishonest. I always have to own what I feel and convey that to someone, and if I'm unable to, I simply remove myself from the equation entirely. I can never live life under the pretense of feeling like I'm hiding something or lying to anyone. So I cannot go into a friendship without sorting out what it is I really want out of it first. It's also true, though, that a lot of the main character guys in romance stories typically -do- think romantic or pervy thoughts of their love interest, but try to resist it or ignore it, because they are under the assumption that their love interest "obviously doesn't think anything of them" and that they're just friends. That may sound pretty cliche or unrealistic, but honestly, I wouldn't be surprised if that's the kind of mindset I may be in a lot of the time, either naturally or maybe because I'm just being influenced...

But seriously, there have been times where I feel like if I were to meet some girl I really could get along with the way I imagine, then I wouldn't feel like rushing into the boyfriend/girlfriend thing would be the right choice. I, too, would want to start off with a friendship. But for some reason... it's just really hard for me to keep things that way. So that's why I come into conflict. I know what I really need and want deep down is a relationship, but I'm not confident or willing enough to jump right into that stage. I want to start things off as friends, and just "hope" it becomes something more on it's own, but... that's a flawed way of thinking. Reality, at least my reality, just doesn't work that way. Life isn't a cute high school love story.

However, those cute high school love stories do have elements of truth and beauty to them that I can aim to replicate in my real life. The raw emotion, the feeling that goes into their crushes, the courage to make their confessions, their dependence and dedication to one another, the acceptance of their own vulnerabilities and flaws, I can evolve from having experienced all of this, through them. None of that is trivial to me. I really mean it. Love seems so complicated, messy, incomprehensible, difficult, and exhausting, but it really doesn't have to be. Relationships are never easy, but the thing is, they are always worth it. The good parts of a good relationship are so good, that enduring through and accepting the bad parts makes it worthwhile, because it makes the good parts grow even stronger. That's what I believe. When I find the right person, I know it will all be worth it.

So then the question becomes not about how I could possibly ever manage being in a relationship, but more-so, how do I start? Where do I go from here? I've noticed in a lot of activities I've done throughout my life that starting and initiating things is often far more difficult than actually doing them. The same holds true for this. I guess right now in-person activities are off the table due to the pandemic still, but when the time does arise, I think I'm going to take Japanese classes, and maybe try out some volunteer work here and there. That'll be a start.

So then, right now my only option is online. Do I seek out friends, where I will be more likely to maybe find people that actually share some of the same interests as me, which is the kind of thing I really want to bond over? Or do I immediately seek out a girlfriend, even though I'm not actually mentally prepared to do anything a boyfriend and girlfriend are supposed to do, and I just want to do friend stuff and let the feelings grow from that? I dunno. I just feel like being friends would make there be less pressure on the relationship and you could be more real, and therefore if feelings do grow, it would be much easier and more natural. I feel like if I had to jump straight into being expected to be someone's boyfriend, it would put a ton of pressure on me to have to live up to their expectations... but I guess it really depends on the person.

I mean, truthfully, I have been friends with girls online, but... the only constant problem has been myself. I ended up distancing myself from those friends because of these feelings of mine. I... get attached very easily. Yet, because I could sense that I was simply attaching to them because I could, and not because I genuinely liked them for who they were yet, I had to distance myself. I wasn't a true friend to the people I'd met, we hardly ever talked, but because there was a chance we maybe could have become intimate in the future, I'd force myself to keep trying to talk to them, keep trying to be their friend, even though there was just nothing we could talk about and we didn't relate at all. I couldn't handle a fake, forced friendship like that... but then, what is a natural friendship? Have I... ever even experienced that before? Oh, right. I get along with guys easily. Figures. Why is it so hard for me to find a girl to relate to? Oh, right. Because I have guy hobbies. Except, I like romance stories, so that also makes it hard for me to relate to the majority of guys. So, I'm back at square one. Stuck with nobody to share my passion for romantic anime/manga with. Great. This sucks.

Also, I just remembered a really touching line from another manga I read the other day, Nijiiro Days. One of the female characters was crying her heart out, being vulnerable, and said "I just want to be someone's number one!" and it really touched me deeply. I was crying a lot after seeing that scene. It was just so moving, so poignant, and relatable. I really loved that manga a ton. I wish the anime adaptation would have covered the entire manga. Instead, it only got like halfway. Disappointing. ; ;

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