Holli's diary
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2021-07-22 00:36:41 (UTC)

I didn't cry this time?

The night we first had sex, he rolled over. He didn't hold me. He had barely talked about anything that day that wasn't about himself. It felt like he didn't care. I felt used and dirty next to him sleeping. I cried.

I told him from the beginning how I felt about porn. I didn't want to date someone who watched it. He agreed and said he understood my feelings. I found porn on his laptop. I felt used and dirty as he tried to explain why he lied. I cried.

He would tell me about his cheating ex, how hurt he was. He told me no woman seemed interesting since we started dating. I found the text messages on his phone. I felt used and dirty while he promised he would do better for our future. I cried.

He took me on dates even though we had broken up. I didn't want to be official until he had his life together. He promised to tell me immediately if there was another girl so I wouldn't wait for him. He wanted to prove he deserved another chance and that I am everything to him. I found more text messages on his phone after that promise. I felt used and dirty while he berated me for going through his phone. I cried.

I told him I just wanted to be friends. No rules. No expectations. No future. No promises. Just treat me with basic respect and kindness. He promised he would never hide anything again. I asked him directly if he had dated anyone else, that it was okay and I wouldn't be mad, I just wanted help to move on and see him as a friend. He said I was the only woman for him, and he never looked at any woman that way. I told him I knew for a fact that he had taken another girl on a date 2 weeks after we split. I felt cold and hollow as he called me crazy and a stalker, as he explained that he could lie because it was none of my business.

I didn't cry this time