Nihilist Cowboy

A man's descent into madness
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2021-07-20 19:20:09 (UTC)

Prompt: Who are you?

I have not been able to write in a few days due to a combination of writer's block, laziness, and exhaustion. So today I finally decided to hit the random prompt button to see what I land on. The prompt was "Who are you?" Interesting. That is a simple yet difficult question to respond to. Who exactly am I?

A quick and cheap answer is "I am Zach..."

If you use descriptors, you can say that I am well male, American, blue eyed, almost 30, overweight, and half an inch under 6 feet. I am someone who drives a beat up truck and dresses like a cross between a used car salesman and drugstore cowboy. At least it is better than the ill fitting scrubs I had to wear to work prior to finishing school.

My day consists of drinking approx 2 pots of coffee a day and I blow a ton of money on eating out several times a week. With the exception of blowing money on food I am extremely frugal and am saving most of my paychecks to eventually buy a house. Guess it saves money being a weirdo and having different goals in life than most of my peers.

Are physical qualifiers enough when asking ""Who am I?" That doesn't feel like an adequate answer. What else can I use to describe myself that could appropriately answer the question?

Well.. I am a social worker at the university hospital's psychiatric unit and have been involved in mental health for the past 5 years. Prior to that, I had no idea what I wanted to do in life, in 2015 I got a gen ed liberal arts degree with business and history concentration because why not? Working in shit entry level mental health jobs for 9 dollars an hour wasnt going to cut it so I started the MSW program and 2 years later I was a full blown social worker.

You arent your education or occupation so maybe I should dig further.

Your past can make you who you are so in a nutshell, I grew up dirt poor in the rural South, parents divorced when I was 2, hard life. I am an ex Baptist, ex Mormon, and the best religious belief that could describe me is agnostic. At one point I was a card carrying member of the Republican Party but over the years, my political leanings have gone towards the middle, but developed a hatred towards the dominant conservative thought of the local political scene. In regards to philosophy, I believe in idealism more than realism, and love all sorts of readings from existentialism.

Is the sum of my philosophical viewpoints and opinions enough to describe who I am? Still think I should continue to figure out the best answer.

Examining the good and bad: I am somewhat who overcame overwhelming odds. Growing up in rural poverty I should not be where I am today. Overcoming addiction at the age of 22 was an almost impossible task and now am over 7 years sober from alcohol. I should have been dead from not only the addiction but the time I attempted suicide at 13. I think I am an awesome listener and a good friend as well.

Although I can deal with being screamed at by patients at work without losing my composure, there are a few things that scare me to death. My fear of rejection can drive me insane. A "read at whatever time" and the infamous blue arrow of being ignored absolutely bothers me. I love attention and have a problem with always wanting validation to be confirmed by others even though I know it is irrational. I have a constant feeling of worthlessness that has been hanging over my head for over 20 years. I do not have the typical drive that most humans have of wanting a family or children. I prefer my cat to most people. But paradoxically I have then flipped out over the rejection of a random person whether it is a coworker I dont like, rando online, or anything. I dont like people but want to feel loved and wanted which is something that I tend to never feel. Most of my life I have felt like I have never fit in, unwanted etc.

However, a person is not the sum of their mistakes. So who am I?

I think the answer "I am Zach" is actually a perfectly adequate answer.


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