TSVI

My truth
2021-07-22 02:27:38 (UTC)

This dream isn't letting me go.

I've basically been getting no restful sleep for the past week and a half as I am still dreaming about that god awful high school locker room. I just can't deal with this anymore. I've been working overtime, hopefully so I can get this shitty memory out of me and let it go. I'm miserable. This is just too fucking much. It's hard to look back at the person I was being displayed to me like it were yesterday, cause I just know I've grown enough as a person to feel justified in trying to move the fuck on from my childhood mistakes.

Another thing I feel like ranting about is the rather odd, and nonsensical feeling of missing my father. I want to be very clear, he left when my twin and I were two years old. I have little to no memory of the man, didn't really miss him growing up, and never really thought about him or anything. But I'm getting older, and the older that I get, the more I realize that there's so much about my life that's a void because he's not here with me. So much I don't know, can't do, and more recently of note, so much love that I'm feeling the loss of. I miss the thought of a father figure taking care of me, and protecting me, and loving me. I want a dad so badly that sometimes, when I'm alone, and there's no pretense of strength, I've found myself crying. I've found myself asking silly questions like why I wasn't good enough to stay for, or why he didn't even try to get back into contact with me. Sometimes I think it'd be nice to feel his strong arms around me, reassuring me that everything is gonna be okay. But IDK anything anymore.

One more thing I'd like to address are my online friends. We share a groupchat and as of late, it seems like they're less keen on interacting or responding to what I've said. It might be just all in my mind, and obviously I'm not making a stink to them about it because I can't imagine it gaining me any favor in the group, so I've decided to pull back a bit more and... um... just be more passive in the chat for awhile.

SO to summarize, I'm tortured by my past, I miss my daddy, and my friends aren't talking to me. Life could be better. But I suppose pulling back from the chat gives me a bit more time to go forward with working on the book. So I'm going to stay positive about all of this and move on. G'night.


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