To you, part one
I think I'll only write here when I need to rant or something. Maybe sort out my feelings. I don't really know. I might just keep this as a diary or a journal. Really, it is a diary, I suppose. I'll write what I feel and right now I'm feeling useless.
This isn't the first time I felt this way. I normally do. My head starts to hurt and I feel something heavy weighing down on my chest. It's a horrible feeling. I hate it. But I can't seem to stop it from arriving in the first place. That might just be on me though. I'm the cause of this. I'm the cause of making myself feel the way I do. And sometimes I just want to end it. It hurts. It hurts a lot.
I want to feel like I'm worth something. Like I have a purpose. I don't want to screw up. I don't really want to feel this way anymore. Perhaps I only let this happen to me because I feel the need to be punished for not doing something remarkable. I really don't know. Why can't I answer these simple questions about myself? Things like this baffle me beyond belief. I want to get better. I want to answer these questions without hesitation. I want to do so much but at the same time, I feel like I can't. And I wonder if I have enough time to do so.
Like I said, I don't know. Maybe I don't have enough time. Maybe I don't have the courage. Maybe I really am useless.
I'm sorry for such a shitty start to this. I hope I can get better. I should sleep this off.