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Through the Looking-Glass
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There is no doubt I am thoroughly starved of male intimate affection, I'm not talking about sex, but authentic intimacy. It's been so many years since I felt the full breadth of it, in a physical and soulful wholeness. I suppose some would call it to love but I don't believe intimacy is love. Intimacy is tenderness, warm sensations, togetherness. A joining of souls energy. Even when I had the whirl with 'my ex guy' it was sexual intimacy, not relationship intimacy. I think everybody knows when they're with someone if something feels off, unbalanced, even if being around them makes them feel good, wanted etc. You just know and have that underlying uneasiness, the same feeling I had around 'my ex guy' because I knew it was never going to go anywhere and I knew his energy was blocked by the secret fact of his ex-partner that he still had unresolved connections with.
That's what I miss the most, want the most. The intimacy and as much as I adore sex in all its glorious goodness and raging fire, that I cannot help but indulge 100% of myself to, sexual relief can be satisfied with or without a sexual partner but intimacy cannot, that can only be achieved through two people.
As it stands, I have not been too involved in seeking a lover on the dating site. I am still getting a stream of men messaging me and showing interest, but my heart is not in, because I am tired of people and their deceptions and exceptionally unrealistic egomaniac tick boxes. We are human, we are not made to perfection. Our bodies, our looks are insignificant to who we are as a person. Our entire life purpose and span are not designed on the beauty of our external appearance but on the way in which we move through life and interact with others, choices we make and what goes on in our thoughts. How we perceive things, what we learned and what we enjoy and dislike. Can you imagine meeting someone and they are an empty skull of no opinions, no desires, no past experiences, no stories of unrequited love or loves of their lives? And all you see was what they looked like and decided, "Yeah, I can do that"....Geezus, fucking holy fuck, no, just no! And yet, this is what the world of men and women do on these dating sites.
So many times, I have had men say to me that they are pleased I responded. One guy even said, "Oh, wow. So this is what it's like when the beautiful women answer." I honestly, crumpled my face in worry. Really? Is that how shitty women are? How full of themselves they are, just because they have a pretty face or body or both? Seriously, get over yourself. And this is when I hear them tell me, I've got it all because they think I am beautiful and interesting and forthcoming to talk to. Well, why wouldn't I talk to you, regardless of whether it went anywhere. I don't see myself as they do, not because I am not confident, just because it means little to me but unfortunately it does matter to me what 'he' might think of me if 'he' becomes someone I am interested in, very sad fact that I am drawn into that bullshit of superficiality. The architect for example, literally wanted a trophy girl to show off to his plethora of friends that pretty much ruled his life and thought processing, he wanted her to be all these things AND a sex goddess ready to whore it up. He can go fuck off. If we lived in a purging world and I will happily be the first to cut out that tongue of his that never stopped to swallow (god, he talked soooo much and so fast) and possibly gauge out his eyes while I am there.
Anyhoo, enough of that poop. Johnny the Psychiatrist and I are getting a little cosier, we haven't been on one of our fuckery rants and seem to be mirroring one another. We are still on a balanced respectful affectionate level and talked of plans together. I would like to believe what we are sharing will keep flowing as it is and grows. I could see myself spending many years with him, he is a beautiful man in many ways, even in his insecure moments. For me, I am balanced. I am not harbouring any angry emotions from the shitstorm of the dating world, with thanks to Mr B he taught me about the art of letting go and I have continued to master that. By this, I mean when people do shitty things to you, you see it for what it is, you don't measure yourself on their behaviour, you don't reflect on their words. What you do is see it plainly for what they were in that moment, in that present time. If you don't ponder over all the niceties, you see their behaviour, words and actions for what they were and it's very easy to let go then.
In the very short moments that I have checked the dating site, there have been two guys who have asked me out on dates. One even asked if I would meet him Thursday, I said, I couldn't I had plans. I don't. My phone pings with notifications of men messaging me and liking me on there but I want to explore with Johnny and if that goes tit's up, well I carry on with what I am doing anyway, with my hiking adventures and I am also planning a design for my garden. I want to grow vegetables and herbs and put some lighting around my fencing, romantic lighting so I can dream when I am stargazing under the moon.
"Fingers" has been decent, since our chat the other day he hasn't pursued me in a sexy way and we have continued chatting sporadically as "friends with history". The thing is Fingers always does this after a stint inside prison, he comes out all subdued and wanting to hide from the world and keep himself to himself. He goes back to his car selling and petty crimes and seeks me out for solitude. Why do men always do this with me? They feel some sense of home in me and want to remove themselves away from the world with me while indulging in my sex and loving nature and yet when they want my fire to burn and ignite them again they don't know how to engage it and expect me to be this multifaceted click-of-the-fingers dollybird morph from one part of me to another. And when I stand there looking at them with a look of, "What are you going to do to bring that on then?" they sit there as if their presence is enough, LMAO. Fuck me, smh, knobs.
Phil is his usual chatty wonderful self and still sends me photos of the American foods he eats while on the road trucking around America. He is a franchised trucker so owns his ginormous fuck-off truck that has two beds and a kitchen in it!! His doggie, "Dingo" is his trucking friend and sometimes he has his son with him, he is 15 years old and often gets involved in our chats. He is a funny kid, a typical teenager, says it how it is without filtration, LOL. Does make me laugh. Phil is still on the dating scene, talking to a few ladies but like me, they go nowhere. It's much harder for Phil because he is not stationed anywhere permanent and women like to nest and have a home base, with Phil's job/business he can't do that. So the woman he meets has to be flexible or able to be on the road with him. To be frank, I think that's fucking cool! I keep reassuring him, keep at it and eventually, he will meet someone who will love the chance to do that with him, he just has to be patient and keep trying.
My boss phoned me earlier, for a "chat". It was quite weird, he was ultra subdued and talking all smooth and calm. He is usually hyper and in your face, like the architect. But he said he hadn't spoken to me for ages and wanted to see how I was. So we just talked about his recent visit to Edinburgh and I convinced him to go to the Highlands - absolute exquisite beauty in the Highlands! I am definitely returning there one day, it is like a portion of heaven. Surreal.
Anyway's, I'm done typing now.
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