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2021-07-21 01:13:45 (UTC)

Thinking

Yeah, I’ve come to recognize (just now🙄) that those lows, my last entry, and the highs, the one before the last, are basically mood swings. I always label things as either permanent or temporary but never something that comes and goes because I forget that I have little control over that all. I’m left with too much time to think and finalize things that aren’t true.

I think I’ll just be myself for now. Whatever that may be at the time, and at least attempt to keep my emotions at bay. I can ignore. It’s an action, not an attitude, nor a mask.
Was just thinking about how everything I do is, could be, pointless. But that is something I never cared much about as I never really wanted to have an impact on anyone for fear of it being negative. What really keeps me from getting out of bed is my lack of motivation or anything that requires me to remove myself from my bed during the daytime.

Last night I decided I’m done. I don’t need anymore sunlight. I’m just gonna mess up my eternal clock. I don’t care, it’s quieter at night anyway, and no more lonelier than it is during the day. The only person that bother me during that time is my brother so I might as well sleep through it.
I’ve got my focus, the series I’m currently watching and games because I want to make progress.

I’m sleepy but that’s hardly enough to stop me. Oh, I’m bored. Crap. I’m gonna play something after this…wait what if I fall asleep playing, I wouldn’t be surprised :(

Earlier I was looking through my old Tiktok favorites and it makes me want to go back in time and freeze it. I want to go back to those aesthetic edit times. Things have gotten too personal and crunchy now. More like social media than creating things but ig that’s the point.
This suddenly feels like a waste of time. Everything does in the moment. Unless it’s school work. Exercise feels like a waste of time. Attempting to stick to a schedule feels like a waste. Daydreaming feels like a waste. So does entertainment, when I’m not avoiding something.

That’s a problem. And there’s not a solution to that one. Unless I really commit myself working. Well actually no, since I’m gonna think “oh since it’s summer break (and I’m lazy) I shouldn’t be working this hard, frick that” and then give up. A dilemma. The songs I’m listening to right now sound like summer ):

I’m gonna go read past entries and then sleep. Sleep seems like the only thing that can relieve me from such boredom. Scratch that staying up plan. I’ll sleep through the day too. Hunger has no hold on me.


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