Dr. W's Space Travels
Space Cadet Laminates His V-Card
Dr. Wood LI
These dang Internet issues… I let out quite a bit of frustration today because of connection problems at work. Following getting my new laptop, I’d been struggling with connecting through the VPN using wi-fi, so yesterday afternoon I decided to get some Ethernet cable and connect that way. Which worked quite well for a while… but then today there were more connection problems. Just very intermittent connection occurring and stuff. This applied to my home PC as well. Fortunately, there’s a known outage in my area that the service provider is working to resolve, so I feel a lot better knowing that. I just really hope that’s the only issue. There was a power surge earlier today so it has me a bit worried.
I felt kinda off yesterday night. I… uh… ended up watching my very first H-scene on Maitetsu. I know that’s not a big deal at all but like… I felt really weird afterwards. Like a real mix of emotions. The thing that I feared – tainting the wholesomeness of the game – kind of occurred a bit. It was very intense and I was very nervous watching it XD Like I could feel myself shaking. I can’t say it wasn’t enjoyable, though – I mean, I’m a lover of everything anime and that very much includes the beautiful girls of the anime world. It’s also not the first time I’ve seen something of that caliber as far as animanga goes. I’ve read Nozoki Ana, which is chockfull of that stuff, but it never bothered me. I’ve also played other VNs (one in particular – Katawa Shoujo… which is a fantastic VN, by the way) which had H-scenes. But I guess with the one I saw in Maitetsu, 1.) it showed EVERYTHING, albeit with a mosaic in front of certain parts, 2.) it was partially animated (I don’t watch any hentai so an animated sex scene is more or less new for me – the most experience I have is with fan service scenes like in To Love Ru and High School DxD, or when the scene is barely passable for TV standards like in Redo of a Healer), and 3.) it featured characters that I had grown to really love. Maitetsu’s characters are so easy to cherish: the sweet, adorable and knowledgeable Hachiroku, the kind, tenacious and loving Hibiki, and the hardworking, gentle and beautiful Paulette, just to name a few. I’ve also really come to like Kisaki, who is probably the closest thing to an antagonist in the game, but is super dignified and broadminded. I like the other characters a lot too, but those ones stick out the most for me. Okay, so it was one of Hibiki’s scenes that I witnessed yesterday… so seeing the sweetheart Hibiki “go to the dark side” was a mix of awe and shock. It was all consensual – thank goodness – but still something I wasn’t fully prepared for. What I did like really like about it, though, was how “love-infused” it remained. Like even at the end when “everything” was done, they closed the scene with a bunch of kissing. I thought that was oddly sweet.
Sex has always been a weird thing for me. Like the idea of it, I mean. By most standards, I’m still a virgin, and I’m probably gonna be that way for any foreseeable future. My attraction towards humans is even starting to wane a bit – which is a really worrisome thought, although in the end it doesn’t really matter since life doesn’t matter. Okay sorry I had a depressed moment just now… but I won’t delete what I just wrote, since it’s indicative of my erratic moods. Anyway, even though I’ve had three girlfriends before, I’ve never… uh… can I say, “breached an orifice”? I’m even awkward just talking about it in a diary, good grief. But yeah, that was something that I made sure each one knew at the times I began dating them. One of them was cool with it and we got along well in that department; the other two kinda pressured me into doing more than I was comfortable with. I made some concessions, and in other instances put down my foot saying I really wasn’t comfortable with something. In evaluating those experiences now, it makes me wonder if I’m actually just prude. I just looked up the definition of that word to make sure I’m using it correctly – yep, I think I might actually be a prude XD I think one reason for that might be because I’ve always associated myself with “innocence”. I’ve always been a goodie two shoes, never drinking, smoking, doing drugs, getting in detention, or even cursing. I don’t really know where that desire was borne from, though I know I’ve had a childish mindset for a fair portion of my life, so maybe that’s partially the reason. So naturally, sex has always fallen into the category of “things that would make me stray from staying as this so-called innocent person”, which has just kinda stuck with me.
I don’t really know where my true desires lie when it comes to sex. On one hand, I am genuinely not interested in certain sexual things. I don’t care for pornography. It’s one thing if it’s just female nudity – it’s another if it’s actual intercourse taking place (because usually, it’s pretty graphic). I remember someone showed me a video back when I was in the army (I had just turned 19 and they were basically like “hey, give this a watch”), and I was not particularly amused. It’s just… gross. To me, at least. And I’m talking about, gross to watch. I don’t say that with the intent to judge other people’s tastes at all – it’s purely what I feel. Also – I don’t care for screwing around with strangers. Like if I actually wasn’t such an awkward fudge at a club or large social gathering, I still wouldn’t care to “take someone home”. Again, to people with that desire for such whims – I don’t mean to judge. It’s just not really something I would be into. I find it much more pleasurable to just leave the social gathering as early as possible, play games, watch anime, do other random stuff, then find an outlet for whatever energy I had stored in me that I would have otherwise expended on said stranger, and finally go to bed while hugging my daki. So that’s all about my true negative disposition to sex. Oh, and one more thing – I don’t care about “conquest” through sex in the least. Like I really don’t give a crap about that. And I’m in no rush to lose my chastity, I have no shame in it at all. Dare I say I’m kinda proud of myself for still having it.
On the other side… there’s no denying that such energy exists within me at all, and not necessarily to meager degrees either. I wouldn’t have purchased an 18 patch for a visual novel I’m playing if I didn’t have it. I think I’m very, very gradually accepting that part of myself. It’s gradual because I think in the back of my mind, I’ve always seen it as something I should feel guilty about. But as long as it’s being channeled in safe, nondestructive ways, I guess there’s really nothing to be ashamed of. It’s largely due to the “streak of modesty” that I’ve had all throughout my life that I’m still apprehensive of it, and of even addressing it. So in light of countering that, I’ll take another small step forward by sharing something I’ve not written down before. Since I don’t wanna get married, the thought of a “friends with benefits” situation occasionally pops into my mind. Not anything close to a serious consideration of engaging in one, nor with any specific person in mind… just, toying with the notion of it. Like, it wouldn’t be completely unsensible given my circumstances. Granted, there’d be a lot stopping me from doing something like that: fear of getting someone pregnant, fear of STDs, remaining desire for exclusivity in the relationship, vestiges of my desire to be Mr. Innocent, the impending switch to waifus permanently (but you didn’t hear me say that), etc. But, if all the pieces were already set up and I had the ideal partner for the arrangement… well, who knows?
All this talk about sex is making my head hurt. Uh– the head that’s on my shoulders, I mean. It felt good to write this down, though. It’s something that shows up on my mind from time to time to talk about, and I just don’t get around to it, for one reason or another. Anyway, time to play some more Maitetsu – gonna finish the Hibiki route today, I think. As much as this is renowned as an “H game”, I have to say that I truly do adore the story. Maybe I can just consider the H-scenes to be noncanon (which I may have said before). Because really, I still love seeing the pure, smiling faces of my adorable Maitetsu characters :)
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