no name
2021-07-20 19:41:03 (UTC)

Moods, emotions

It is all so confusing. I'd prefer if I remained completely unaffected by these mood highs and lows. I felt, as time went on this afternoon, I began to recognize more of the negatives. My back hurts. My neck hurts. I gradually stopped caring as much about how I came off as, maybe I lost some energy, I hate that. My thoughts- was I even thinking before? Maybe I wasn't and that's how this much time passed while I did a single thing.

I know that there's a way to simplify this occurrence. I just do not know enough about emotional and mental wellbeing/changes to recognize it. I don't like being affected by something I do not know like this. In the end, it all comes back to consistency. I want a consistent state of mind. One that does not change dramatically due to fluctuating emotions. It is inconsistencies like this that lead to me making bad decisions. I don't think before I act when things are going too well, or rather, when I am feeling too good. So good that thinking becomes an unnecessary chore. Maybe it was because I wasn't thinking that I never had problems up until recently (I say recently but I mean until last year).

Recently, because I'm no longer required to follow a schedule, the only thing that's been bothering me, or on my mind, was what I was going to do next. Am I ever thinking about how what I do will affect me in the future when I come down from those emotional highs? No. And it's not like I have anyone to scold but myself. But I'm not sure I ever learn, in fact, I'm sure I never do. My memory is not reliable in this sense.

Of course, I know that if I were always in the mood (what even is a mood, i mean state of mind (SOM)), things would probably get boring, but that doesn't necessarily matter as long as I have some kind of activity to busy myself with. To distract myself from my own emotions without overwhelming myself with tasks. I wonder how I could bring myself back here. The only reason I ever get sidetracked from this SOM is because I get carried away with how good things go sometimes.
Today it was:
-Typing bringing me serotonin ig (im on computer again for the first time in a while)
-Getting good stuff from the store
-Having nice time with a friend
-Finding good quizzes and stories on this one site (not this one)

I got carried away. So what do I have to ground me? Certainly not my memory since my thoughts are literally fleeting, not remembered. To be calm and thinking. A symbol? A person? A character? Why can't I just remember like a normal person. This is the only thing I don't want to come and go. When I wake up in the morning, I'm neutral, usually getting worse or better after my (dumb) routine. After 12pm passes, everything goes up and goes all the way down. Or it just goes down from the get go. The morning and the late afternoon-night are like 2 different days, and so my memory acts like they are.

There is nothing I can do but hope (a lie, half-truth). I can try to remember but I'd hate to obsess since that would be almost just as bad.

To sum up my current s.o.m., I do not feel like making friends. I have a circle and I'm fine with that. I just want to lie down, back hurts.