legacy

If I die today
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2021-07-19 15:20:45 (UTC)

intention

Allright so if I die today I have an intention see my mom needs a little over a thousand its looking like for medical test to diagnoisis her voicebox/throat issue but aanyhow shes loosing her voice. so if I was to move on into life id I have a dime left its only right that I would want that loan paid off as much as possible. I really wouldnt care much what happens to my body if I die. so thinking of things last night (before talkng to mom today) yea know if I die all there is to deal with is the storage unit and the body and lets say we mustard up every single penny to my name it would at the max you'd get one thou so Idk seems like it would be easy to just move on. No needfor an estate sale or worrying about what to do with the house. as for my boyfriend omg he'll need a new woman no going back how awful would that be if he did get lonely or get roped into somehow being with his daughters mother again thats spiritual death soul crushing. but I'm not dying on the tired side after lunch. I slept from about 9 in bed maybe fell asleep at 10 with a melation till around 5. I've had all my vitimans for the day same same. nothing noticeable phsycially thats diffrent. went running today 34min total from beging to end with the dog on the harness. so the 34 includes warmup walk poope time blah blah. and then I did one workout video but i was not m otivated and so tempted to skip that but I completed it. the mind is sorta scattered no real new inspiration just wishing that Id done something diffrent for the onethou five hundren dentist bc the amount she needs is around one thou. IDK how to best budget knowing that since well I'm trying tokeep savings available for my atty I know theres gonna be more bills coming right? and also well IDK what turnslife will take so what is best to do what to do what to do with what I got right now. even if I scrounged up like a few hundredn and left myself minum to get by till my next ss..di payment would she accept it . praying is well I'm feeling like my attention span isnt theere and well I smoked some with lunchbut what kinda quacky excuse is that. Still figure I'm useless chorewise I'm freaking trying I'm trying and trying but olny to look like a foold and I cant decide I'm im discouraged or lazy and why why me. so I'm recalling the drama of childhood and I rember being diagnouse with a fine motor skill delay. but lets suppose there is still some truth in that maybe I have a motor skill problem can that exsplain why I cant do crap right. I also know my history with cleaning is literally traumatizing so maybe certian chores and stuff maybe anxiety maybe i'm screwing myself IDK but I feel like a failure and I wonder still does nDea sometimes regret me and wish the C monster was here instead bc lets face it she had to be more functional than me. but anyhow I need to soften my heart and open my eyes and keep trying. today havnt found anything I've donne good at or well so nothing to capaltise on but once I get something done right and I can do it I should reguallry keep that up instead of forcing my love into my dysfunction. theres really nothing in this relationship for him other than my personality and lets face it it's not a gem or charm so IDK. Need to find some ways to get outside myself. well thats the update of the day this is life


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