Rain

Numbers and colors
2021-07-19 02:40:52 (UTC)

-2 navy nighttime ocean Neptune

Am I stupid for falling in love with a man who doesn't give me the time of day? I hurt inside but I meet new people every day. People are nice. Why do I desire the attention of someone who won't turn in my direction? Why..

Why does my heart still have this numb pain, this empty hole. I have tried to shove everything inside it and it's only going to get filled by one thing. Faith.

I'm going to church on Sunday, I pray I can find an answer. Being lost has led me to be here. And to be here has led me to many experiences.. one day I hope to be found, but in the meantime, I have found myself.. and I have hugged myself. This life is so fickle. One decision and you can make yourself feel like shit.

Today there was a person on the highway. Looked miserable. In the middle of nowhere. Looked almost left there to die.. sitting in feetle position accepting her fate.

All I have to do is keep walking.

Here is my story about Neptune.

I'm sending you greetings from the planet Neptune. It feels so nice here!! I feel like I can swim through the air it's so thick! It smells like berries and tastes light and sweet. But.. It's really hard to breathe here.. everything is blue and I feel like the air is heavy.. like water.. it's kind of hard to see. I almost feel like my lips are purple because it's so difficult to breathe.. if only I had some more oxygen..

Maybe I made the wrong decision landing in this foreign land.. maybe I'm going to slowly lose all my life force here and become weak and die.. I'm positive that if I don't get any oxygen that I will pass out. I need to find some, but im so lost here..

Do you have any idea where the oxygen is?

There is a sign with a hint: it's hidden under a big Boulder.

Hmm.. I hope I have enough strength to move it...

So I keep trying to move this heavy Boulder and it just doesn't budge.. I can see that there is clearly a way to move it and access the oxygen I so direly need to survive.. but it just isn't working for me.

So I stop breathing.

I hold my breath and I hold it so long up to the point I am about to pass out.

But instead of drifting away into darkness, somehow I am able to begin breathing through my nose.. breathing slowly and steadily, I can inhale through my nose. And now my mouth too. As long as I don't take a sharp inhale it seems that I am not drowning.

I swim further down, under a what seems to be a bridge and into a pocket where I find a treasurebox. A treasurebox with a big yellow honeycomb. I take it with me and swim as far as I can. One arm holding my sweet treasure, and my long lanky body steadily kicking my way out of the hazy blue core of the planet. It's a very long distance. I am surprised how long it is taking me to get to the surface... the surface of Neptune.

As I reach the surface of the planet, my surroundings begin to change. Colors around me become a firey yellow and the "air" I am breathing feels like a thousand needles have made their way into my throat. Surprised, I inhale sharply to try to get more oxygen but to my dismay, I am filled to the brim with pain.

My vision starts to blur and I feel a deep grief overcome me. Why did things have to happen this way? What decisions did I make to deserve this? Was I just in the wrong place at the wrong time? All these thoughts and more come flowing out of my consciousness and my eyes become filled with tears. I curl up into a ball because my chest feels tight. Still floating through Neptune, through it's outermost layers, I squeeze my fist to my chest and try to hold myself together. Salty droplets begin to leave my eyes. I'm thrown into space as the planet spits me out into the great depth beyond filled with thousands of other stars. My own light barely a flicker.

Drifting through the expansive depth of space I feel my body release it's tightness.. the hot firey pain in my chest is cooling off to reveal a palm sized hard and heavy brick of coal.. I'm alone again. But this time in space. I always thought I was a lonely island but this time I am a star. I stretch out and feel the tips of my fingers, the ends of my toes. In the darkness I instinctivly begin to walk.. walk in a straight line towards my next destination with two little orbs of light tailing just behind me.

As I walk through the expansive darkness, there is a light that begins to shine through the cracks. I fumble through folds of black satin fabric to find it's source. What I find in it's depths is the honey comb I had brought with me from Neptune. It's golden syrup smothered all over my hands. When I bring it to my mouth, it tastes sweet. I think of the night when I was so alone and lost and someone came to save me. Someone I thought was a true hero. A warm tear falls from my eyes. What am I to him? Am I just a forgotten piece of matter? Have I been touched by his sweetness only to be sent out in the bitter world to be forgotten? My lump of coal aches to be lit again. My supple pink lips, asking to be bit.


I turn around in hopes to see him smiling, but I am left with the realization that I have noone waiting for me and the door has been shut tight. I wouldn't even mind if I could just understand.. I just can't accept breadcrumbs and I want an explanation of all of this.

So it's time to move on and turn on the light within my own darkness again and again.




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