👁️ Bandersnatch 👁️

Through the Looking-Glass
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2021-07-18 23:11:19 (UTC)

Out of the blue

Out of the blue came a very odd occurrence today. Now the people who.knew my old diary would remember my BDSM and worse escapades with a man I nicknamed "Fingers".

Can't tell you how surprised I was to receive a message from him today, " Hey, how are you?" I didn't recognise the number, so I responded, "Dont know who this is?" He replies, "It's fingers!" I say, "Send me a voice note so I know it's you." He does, it was fingers 🙂

He just come out of a stretch in prison, I didn't ask what for, I never used to ask what he does but I knew what he did do, was never something I wanted to know about. He often looked out for me too, him and his connections. Not that I needed it because I live an honest life but I do seem to attract the colourful types of people lol.

He told me he wanted to get in touch, that when we stopped talking it wasn't on the best note. You see, I was in mega-bitch mode at that time, I was still getting through my shitstorm of emotions after an abusive breakup. I learnt a lot between then and now. And Mr B helped me too ❤

Fingers had tried to sell me dodgy hand sanitiser lol and I was pissed because he tried to knock off his crap to me. Unlike him, he always was good to me. Anyways, he wanted to make things right. He said there are endless cunts in this world and I am not one of them, that I always treated him equal and right and he hadn't forgotten that.

So we texted a bit, caught up on life. He is living alone and stopped smoking and well, he will never give up the life of crime. It's what he does. He doesn't do drugs though, never did, never got involved in those. The last stretch would've been his third time, but this one was a minor one. His longest stretch was 8 years when he was part of a secure facility robbery, years back. It was all in the news back then and still online.

He suggested hints of him wanting me back, wanting me to engage with him again as the submissive I was back then. But the thing is, as life changed for both of us, so did I and although submissive traits are naturally inherent in me, that is only when I am in a loving relationship. Not in a BDSM, d/s partnership anymore. I am past that, life and the people I engaged with changed me and I no longer need validation from servitude. I serve me.

It has been only me and my actions, decisions and choices that got me where I am now and it is only me who has the responsibility to maintain it. I pay my mortgage, my bills, all that I own and provide 90% of everything for my daughter. Her dad gives very little and puts in very little effort. A few months back I told him I will no longer keep the stitches taught for his relationship with his daughter. I am her mother and I do what a mother must do but I cannot be her father too, he has to be that. Ever since then, my daughter has stopped bitching at me and seen him for the lack he gives to her in emotional support, financial and making an effort. She saw it was mum that kept it all together. He has not made an effort to contact her or me or see her for a few months now. He is not gone but not around, however, I do not want this to be this way. She needs her dad and I don't want their relationship rocky, as it stands it's down to him to have a conversation with her. But she is okay, she is content but annoyed at him but she has me, her boyfriend and her friends and our family. I won't let it fall apart between them but he has to do his part.

Anyhow, tangent! I let fingers know im not interested in that and as it stands we're remaining friends, like we always we're to be frank lol...just we did some crazy sex stuff.

Also, the psychiatrist is back! He is calmer now, he's been confiding in me. Possibly because of our last stint together we got to know each other, so he is more familiar with me now. We've been chatting for a few days. He asked me if I would put on my thigh high boots for him and take some photos. I am in a state of absolute ignorance to the male species right now, in that no matter how I had hoped there were men who had other interests in me other than sex stuff, but I have accepted that never will be the case. Im 42 and it's been that way my whole life. Even my relationships began highly sexually charged and did remain that way too but it was due to other reasons in their characters and personalities that changed and caused me to end them.

Anyway, the psychiatrist proposed an offer. Of us seeing each other regularly.

Oh, I didn't go hiking with my hiking pals today due to the heat so I mowed my front and back lawns, did some housework and I waited until half past five and then went for a hike for an hour and half, it was so awesome, found some new routes that I never knew existed so will be using those again 😁

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