I’ve reached a point in my break that I feel trapped. It’s like a limbo. Same day repeating and I still don’t know how I managed to pass the time up until now.
Today I spent the day reading this one story and I’m about to finish the last chapter that’s been published. I ate some stuff, more than I’d wanted to but at this point anything I do is a mistake. I did a face cleanse thing because this morning I was watching a ton of morning/night routine videos and got those ideas stuck in my head.
Then at some point, I don’t remember why (these days are so long that the mornings and evenings feel like separate days altogether), but I had a dip in my mood and ended up- wait no I remember. I went to the fridge to get something and I just had a realization that this situation isn’t changing anytime soon. I’m trapped. Literally. And I decided that I’d cry in bed because there’s no way I’d ever be caught crying by family (ew no).
But when I got to bed, I couldn’t cry. Dunno why. So I just listened to music and napped. That somber mood persisted until now, after I woke up. That story I found is the highlight of my day and the only reason I smiled, laughed, or cried today. Anything, and I mean ANyTHiNg, beyond that just had me reverting to that state of mild sadness at my situation.
And I hate to admit that because I don’t like pitying myself (although I do it so much) or having others pity me.
So I was thinking, a few minutes ago, as I lie in bed yet again (it IS night time though). If I feel so stuck in this situation, the same day, the same loop…then why haven’t I gotten better at it?
Why haven’t I found the most ideal method of going throughout my day so I could perfect everything while I still have time?
I just remembered how lazy I feel. But I feel like an idiot. No, I’m not an idiot, I’m just being idiotic. Does that make much a difference?
Putting all that aside, I also pondered the thought of being an empath for a hot second before reevaluating myself and denying that notion. Crying over some character does not imply that much dang it. Especially since I’m real life situations where someone felt excited, sad, or mad, I couldn’t find myself relating to them. Probably cuz I was busy trying to find a way out of the room while they displayed their emotions.
:( these entries are whole essays, where were these writing skills when I was still despairing over assignments?
Anyway, last highlight of the day, besides this chapter I’m about to finish, is someone who followed me messaging me. I feel dumb for getting happy (?? I guess. I smiled.) over that but it is what it is.
—but now I’m embarrassed. Frick this.
Pushing that to the very BACK of my mind.
I was feeling something. After that nap. Guilt. And self loathing. hating that my personality is as it is and feeling guilty that my family has to deal with it. They’re such happy people that operate perfectly on their own. And I’ve really been doubting that I was meant to continue on past that point where my sister dropped me as a child. All I can see is my negative impact on those around me. I dislike that I find my brother unbearable, since I know it’s just bc it’s me, and so I ignore his behavior. I don’t like how I’m usually snappy with my sister because the way she rapidly taps on my blanket makes me want to do something more ill-mannered than being curt with it.
And thinking about how I literally provide nothing for my best friend besides a bad example. At most, I’m filler. She probably doesn’t want to be alone on her journey through life and I’m just conveniently here as someone who stuck around because I don’t not want to be friends with her.
Thinking about how I look. Of course.
Because I was having those thoughts about loneliness, I would also never wish the date of comforting me or seeing my face upon anyone.
I’m just not that selfish. I hope.
It just all blends together and I don’t seem to care right now. I also dislike that. So here I am. It’s really difficult to identify my emotions at times like these and I don’t think the music I’m playing is doing me any good.
Vas - jagger finn. Cool name.
I don’t know what I’m doing- oh and I just remembered we have to go out tomorrow for a religious event that most refer to as church service😁. Wonderful! I cannot wait to go parade around and mentally die- I’m tired man. Anyways time to go stay up all night 🚶♀️