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17th of July, 2021
11:37 PM CEST
I've - once again - changed my mind. I do that a lot. It's become somewhat of a running gag within the privacy of the weirdness that is my mind.
That sentence didn't make much sense.
So, as I said earlier, I changed my mind. I've decided that I want to make this diary known to the big, wide world. That's my final decision. Why you may ask?
I just thought that the idea of my memories being out there on the web would actually be kind of cool. Before, I was a little wigged out by the idea, but I've changed my mind since. (Starting to see a pattern here...)
If you're wondering what kind of music I'm listening to, I'm currently listening to "The Queen" by M2U on, yep, Spotify. Which is probably the best place to listen to music, as well as podcasts. I don't listen to many podcasts. Been there, done that. It gets real boring after a while just listening to people talk and talk and...talk. Even if it's Buffy-related. The exception being of course interviews with a main cast member, like, say...Amber Benson. She's cool. I like her quirky and erotic (sometimes) sense of humor and just generally her laid-back nature. It's refreshing. Honestly, she gives more of an "Author" vibe than an "Actress" vibe. Everything from her sense of style to her humor screams "Author".
Watch that Clexacon 2019 interview on Youtube and you'll know EXACTLY what I'm talking about. Oh, and the one with her and Emma Caulfield. Even you non-Buffy fans! I just about died watching that last one.
"Boob magic." xD
11:57 PM CEST
I had this really serious and deep conversation with my father about stuff like, an hour ago.
I've had the epiphany that I've completely convinced myself that I'm unlovable. No wonder I'm such a pro at self-sabotaging.
My father told me to try and not do so, but it's easier said than done. You can't just "stop" feeling a certain way. Like, it's difficult. It's a deeply ingrained feeling. It's become a part of my sense of self. My sense of identity. Can't just rip it out. It'll leave a gaping hole of emptiness.
Wow, that sure went places. I apologize.
Just looked at the time. It's 12:03 AM now, so it's late. And for some reason, my back really hurts...I gotta go to bed, but I probably won't. Yesterday I fell asleep at like, 2:30 AM, give or take. Don't judge me, I have insomnia, so I find it difficult to fall asleep.
This I find strange considering that I also have hypersomnia, meaning that I'm often tired and WANT to fall asleep...but only during the day. Once I fall asleep at night, I also find it difficult (emotionally and physically) to get out of bed. I just wanna sleep all day and not face the world.
Goodnight. Or good morning/evening/afternoon...depending on what time you read this entry.