👁️ Bandersnatch 👁️
Through the Looking-Glass
I need to write, I need to write, I neeeeed to write! Oh my god, I want to punch life in the face so fucking hard my tits are going to explode and squelch acid in the face of the cunts of this world.
I have Pink Floyd booming through my house right now, almost got the bottle of wine out of the kitchen and thought, nope, don't ruin your fitness regime....so coffee it is, not much better but whatever.
I have done my best to keep my head above the water these last few days, the love-bombing has been like a bolt of fucknuts electrically pulsing through my brain. My language may be slightly more allergic to softer ears in this post, I dunno.
So, the intensity of the architect love bombing me has been harder than a whore on a dick that pays the most! I knew, I fucking knew! This dollop of cowardly shit was coming down at some point and while he was up there on his throne of bullshitty untrained mastery, I knew! And I didn't reciprocate feelings of the same value or any at all back to him, because I know these tactics, yeah, they love me! Fml
As he rode the storm of his ridiculous bullshit trying to make me succumb, I didn't but I did develop some fondness for him. Remember I hadn't even met the man and he was dowsing me with hours upon hours of phone calls, telling me he loved me, telling me he wants to book us in to get married! When we're down Dorset. Oh, yeah, the man even introduced me (without me being present) to his mother! All his friends! (and he has a lot) and even clients! Showing them my photo talking about me, telling me how I make him laugh like no other woman, that he hasn't earned any money in a week from wanking endlessly every time he hears my voice and looking at my photos. He even did a video at one work meeting in the countryside saying, "Bonnie, look at the horses, you like horses don't you!" and then showed his client the video and my response!
So intrusive of my privacy, no questions, "Do you mind?" Nada, fuck-diddly-squat. Asked me out Saturday, told him I need to check with my daughter on her plans if she needs me. He still went ahead and told his friends I'll be joining him, AND booked a table for two at a restaurant after. Didn't even say yes to Dorset, he still went ahead and told his mother I will be joining him!
Tells me, "Bonnie, when I have made my mind up about something or someone, nothing stops me and I go full speed ahead." Well, pal by the speed at which you talk anyone could certainly believe that and I know that! By the way, you couldn't even respect my lifestyle and responses. Cocksucker
For the last few days, I have left the treadmill alone and been out on very loooooooong walks, two to three hours because my brain was so overwhelmed by the speed, intensity and sheer audacity of the man. I needed nature, I craved to be lost inside it and away from him, to find myself again, my calm. The constant "I love you's" and "Let's do this, we're doing that" and "My mate thinks this of you and she is really cool you'll love her." was just tooooooooooooooooooooo much!
Today, was nothing different, I walked and walked and walked but my pal Phil talked on my loudspeaker of my phone the whole walk, I took every footpath I come across, through fields, and never tired, even when my feet said stop for a bit, I kept going, didn't want to stop. Hours I was walking for, escaping the bullshit of the architect.
Ed called me last night and this morning, helping my head deal with this stuff. My nerves before the date, my doubts, big doubts that I wish I listened to now and ignored Ed's advice, to not stand him up and go anyway, "What's the worse that can happen, aye?" well, lots that's what, my fucking mental health, my dignity, my sense of me.
I was quiet all day yesterday (the night of our date) I barely text him, only twice. He sends a text, "Let's do this! On route, darling x" and then while I am driving there, "I'm here, gorgeous!" I arrive, looking classy but sexy in my fitted black dress that cinches in like a pencil skirt to my knees with slits up both sides of my legs, nice black heels etc. He walks over to my car and says, "Oh, nice dress" and smiles then plants a kiss on my lips, nothing lingering just a quick one and I thought, what the fuck was that? Who kisses like that? Said nothing and he says, "After you" so he could check me out.
We go inside and are led out the back to the romantic Italian themed pod (yeah I keep seeing Italian themes with these cunty men) avoid Italian things, T, from now on. Lol. Anyway, the date goes alright, he does his usual talking for fucking England and ALL of Europe that I barely got to say much let alone even answer the questions he asked me because just as I was about to mutter a word he would trail off onto something else. Fuck ME, give me strength. I imagined what his sex must be like, likely proper shit.
As the night rode in, we made our way out of the venue, he made lots of remarks, positive remarks about me and talking of plans and asking em things like, "So what do you think of me?" which I didn't answer because by that point I gave up hope of finishing my sentence.
As we pass through the venue, he says he needs the loo, and while he was gone foooooooorever, obviously texting his trillion of pals on the Whatsapp group, saying god knows what. I strike up a chat with a female barmaid. When he returns he overshadows our nice conversation, the longest natural conversation I had all night and he starts talking and I think, "Oh my fuckkkkking god, shut your fucking face!" but didn't say that. As we walk out of the venue, he says, 'Do you remember you asked me how my seats go down in my car?" I say, "Yes," he says, "Come and see, I'll show you." I thought, ah, I know your game.
He opens the door, and begins to take one seat down then decides it's too much fuss and puts it back up and says, "You get the gist, don't you?" I try to hide my furrowed brow thinking who doesn't know how fucking seats go down in a car. Geezus man!!
Then he goes in for the kiss, walks up to me talks about some random stuff looking at me and comes towards me and kisses me. Properly this time, it was nice. I miss kissing, I love kissing. We kiss for a minute or so, stop and he comes at me again, this time more passionately, I engage, he kissed nice, I enjoyed it. We stop, he says, "Wow, your lips really are amazing." then says, "Are they really natural? You haven't had surgery or botox them?" I thought, cheeky sod, I reply with a solid gaze, "No, nothing like that, not ever. All-natural" he says, "They're gorgeous" then sort of ponders about with this thinking head-on and says, "So you've never told me what your type is. Can I...can I ask what is your type"? I told him what he wanted to hear, "At this moment, you're my type." and smile. But I knew he wasn't right for me because of his constant talking, it was draining. Like when does the man contemplate anything? He says, "You know my mates talk about bums and legs, they're bums and legs men, I am boob man but I can see why they like that." I responded, "How can you see why?" He said, "Well, of course, I checked you out while you were walking in front of me. So I can understand why they like bum and legs now." I took it as a compliment and said, "Oh, thanks" with a smile. He cuddles me the leans against his car and pulls me close to him and kisses me again, this time touching my boob over my dress. We stop kissing, he says, "God, you have got nice boobs." and kisses me again.
A few minutes later, we say some pleasantries and I take my leave, and he waits for me to drive out first and follows me half the way home. We text a bit that night when we both reached our homes and this morning, he has been cold as ice.
I am confused but also pleased. I don't expect anything courageous from this man, you know like, a decent conversation of "This is not what we want" because in the dating world the men have no standards whatsoever. They lovebomb you while holding their hardons then try to get in your knickers. There are no old school guys that know how to seduce a woman, build tension and use the brains in their skulls, nope only the brain in the dicks.
I am not fussed that this was or wasn't to be, I am bothered by the way in which these tossers go about treating people when those people give them an investment of their time and waste our precious lives on pointless dates.
So, as I have had to deal with his lack of respect I shall now offer him the same when he comes skipping along after he dated the other bird with false tits and looks older than burnt jacket potato that took five rounds by angry midgets and I will not respond to him. She offered him a long weekend of sex, you see. I didn't promise anything. He can keep the mystery of "What if.." for the rest of his days because he has lost out on an incredible woman. Twat.
So, yes my walk today was hours long in the lovely sunshine chatting to Phil, my pal, about random shit. He's a good friend, picks me up when I get down. I'm really fed up. I don't know what is going on in his head right now and I am not going to ponder over it either.
I'm out hiking with my hiking pals tomorrow and on Sunday, different locations around kent, but along the coast. I need to be around my friends and DECENT people.
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