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2021-07-15 12:48:49 (UTC)

Hm

I’m not acknowledging the fact that I already made one entry today. I make so many just because. Now that anyone can scold me for it, besides myself.

Anyway. I was looking at the ones other people make and it makes me wonder what people think if they somehow decide to read through mine.

People are such difficult things to think about. I don’t want to be seen by them outside nor do I want to be perceived by them out of fear that negative opinions will be formed about me. But I find myself wanting the environment that people provide. School for example, let me out of the house occasionally (before) and led me to interact with people (sometimes, rarely).
Or when I see online that someone my age is looking for friends (ik the internet isn’t a safe place or whatever 😒 blah blah), the only thing that stops me is the fact that I’m pretty sure I can’t entertain someone like that.

I don’t think I’m fun to talk to, and if I somehow manage to be, I don’t think I’d be able to continue on entertaining. Maybe that’s the raring way to think about it but it’s how I feel. It’s why obsession is such an attractive trait to me. And why I want someone else to find me interesting because I know I could never make myself interesting as I am now. Even online.

My best (and only) friend may say otherwise but even then, I don’t know why she says that. Looking at it form her perspective, we’ve known each other for years. But that’s all I can think of. Maybe it’d better if I was selfish (even more so than I already am) and did not think of how I may be seen by others, instead only seeking them to enjoy their company. But I’m just too self conscious?

I wish there were someone exactly like me. Same predicament or similar situation so I could bond with them over it. But even then, it really wouldn’t make sense that they’d reach out to me, would it?
At this rate I’m gonna finish high school having made no friends. I should get an award for this predetermined ending.

[This is a call for help bruh.]


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