Random ramblings
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2021-07-15 01:49:51 (UTC)

Ain't nothing worse than a toothache

When will I ever have lasting peace? It's a rhetorical question.

Z has been acting very weird lately. I notice he no longer rambles like he used to. I didn't realize how much he dominated the conversation and kept it going until he stopped talking. Right now there's no arguments or yelling between us perhaps mainly because he no longer opens his mouth and because I usually don't say much anyways and keep it neutral. My conversations have no substance and it's boring talking or engaging with me. Z no longer reaches out during the day anymore either like he used to which is a great thing. Back in the day it was a lot. So much so that his clinginess would get irritating mainly because we'd spend all day fighting unless I hang up the calls. I'd push him away and he'd get angry. I haven't mentioned to Z I notice this. What for? One day he can just blow up from keeping his emotions bottled up if he wants.

I'm making changes too so things are also starting to be different on my end. I am rewiring myself to not always try to solve things (I'm not good at it anyways), give advice, suggest something, comfort someone. So now I have even less to say and it's showing in our silent conversations.

I wonder what's really going on in Z's head, what he's really feeling. Not because I genuinely care but because I can't help but always expect the worst. When will the next fight be? What will cause it? How will he react and how will he expect others to react? Will he take it out on others, how? How long will it last and how intense will it be? I can't help it I'm always in the lookout when we don't fight for more than a week not because I like and ,i'm looking for it, I am not and I don't like it, (we need to stop pushing the narrative that people love drama, like to be abused, etc because it's not true and it's very harmful). Somehow, a part of my brain thinks if it can see it coming it can try to better protect me since it won't be caught off guard. I haven't figured out how to fix that yet.

When Z goes through rough patches and I didn't answer his calls, he used to message me saying I'm a "fair-weathered friend", I am not helpful, am just there for convenience, and that I'm never there when people need me. I wouldn't answer to avoid his anger and backlash, I was not ignoring him just to ignore. And I guess old habits die hard.

I was peacefully watching Sweet Tooth with mom earlier. Finally mom and I watching something together we both liked. (Interesting show btw). When I notice 6 missed calls from Z from different platforms and a message asking where I am. This can't be good, I thought. So much for peace. I messaged him saying I'd be done in less than an hour. He was ok with it, (which surprised me not in a good way), until ... "Dude I called you so many times and I really need you right now", he wrote. "Don't tell me you're going to f... ignore me tonight god damn it." Yes, I really want to ignore you tonight because I didn't like the message you just sent, I felt like writing back, but I didn't.

This is not the first time this happens. It usually ends up ugly so it triggered me and I started getting very anxious and panicked but I kept it together. Unfortunately, I can't control my facial expressions and I have been told I'm very easy to read. I'm pretty sure my mom saw it but she didn't say anything. She doesn't know I'm in this mess. In reality she's not stupid. She probably knows but is keeping herself out of it and helping me think that I'm controlling it well even though it's not true so I thank her for that. It's already embarrassing as is.

We finished watching the episode she was on, she went to bed and I went to call this crazy person before things got worse. You know what he needed me for? What the supposed emergency was? A toothache.

And yeah I get it toothaches are painful indeed so I am not minimizing the pain he was feeling. He has had an infection for more than a year now, it comes in waves and this one is by far the longest, strongest of them I've seen. He just wanted to complain about how painful it is. And there I was listening, inwardly angry like always. He went to sleep thinking I'm very supportive lol. What a lie. If he only knew I didn't listen for his benefit.

I'm going to sound very mean right now. I'm tired of always being neutral with him and validating his feelings all the time so I'm doing this for the purpose of catharsis. I think he is suffering due to his stubbornness and not wanting to go to the dentist. If he would've gone when the infection started or when it was weaker maybe he wouldn't be a cry-baby right now and I wouldn't have to listen to how painful it is. This could've easily been prevented so I can't sympathize.

That was my brief moment of judgmental meanness. I feel discomfort at being like that because I'm usually not and at not rationalizing the reasons for his behavior. I'd never be able to voice this aloud so writing really helped. Thanks.

I guess I should be happy that he didn't intentionally try to hurt me with his words like he always does when he's in pain or going through a rough patch. But I'm not. So what, it took so much damage, anger, and tears for him to finally behave decently during a tough time for once? I know that's a big deal and I give credit to where it's due. Yay. I also know people are hurting, I know that when some people go through pain they take it on others. I know that after so much trauma especially childhood abuse and domestic violence, it really shapes behavior and the way people relate to others. I get all that. But this does not eucuse ugly behavior and the pain people put others through because they themselves are hurting. Fix your trauma first so that the cycle doesn't continue.

So yeah I'm resentful. And it looks like I will continue to be until I find a healthy way to let go of it. And I am really trying. It's quite unfortunate really because I know better than to feel this way but I still do.