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2021-07-13 06:29:35 (UTC)

what the fuck is happiness?

few days back Mr. X asked me to workout on our relationship and i said okay to that because i sure wanted to give it a try again. the next day he made some calls during the day, made small talks, turned out we had nothing to talk about even after not talking for a month idk was it me or him but whatever it was it was strange.
I had so much to say to him but saying things to him felt like a waste of effort because the last time i confronted someone costed me my 7 years of friendship so i kept shut. I thought maybe there will be a right time to say all the things i've been feeling.

2 days!! 2 fucking days and 4-5 calls that was all the effort he could make to sought things out. I am not easy, i agree but dude you called me out of nowhere to make things work. seriously asshole!!!!!

yesterday i texted him asking him to think about what he wants and how this is gonna work.
he said and i quote *i just want your happiness if it belongs with me it's great but if not ,do what makes you happy* and what this was suppose to be cute?
i was so frustrated , first he broke up with me then called me after a month or so to get back together and then again stopped talking and expects me to believe all he wants is my fucking happiness. what in the fucking world!!!
I was getting back to my senses after everything maybe i was not happy but i would've been if you hadn't called me again you fucker.
So i said all of this to him and to get the fuck lost from my life and never to call back again because this is so over and i am walking the hell away.

I don't know what happiness is, how to be happy if i would i wouldn't be lying all day like a corpse doing nothing and wondering what is wrong with me and why i always end up alone and not that i hate it but because ik it's not good for my mental health. I don't care if i'm happy or not the thing i want is peace. The quite after the chaos.
well, then in the evening i did the unexpected, i stood up and went for a walk in the park nearby, had a popsicle and went home.
It's time i should try to find out what gives me peace which is the kind of happiness i'd like to have for now.