If I die today
Today had an early start than intedned I think close to 6ish the dog woke meup to go out . then an hour or so later to go for a walk. but nDea got up around that time before the dog got me up so anyhow we were back in by 815ish after walking to get my coffee. Anyhow still addicted to coffee. my stomach is adjectated right now bur[ping a lot to but we did havetaco johns for lunch which is rare plus we did some yard sale shopping and its pretty hot out. Then we did nap this afternoon more like evening I think about 6ish we were up again for coffee and a walk then hangin out is our plan I guess. Tentavie plans for tommorow sitll good 230ish to get together with eAnn IDK what itlk look like she suggest walking somewhere but the mall is close and would offer He was talking about the day very conversantional. IDK just gets me thinking I'm not so friendly . I suppose befoer coffee its a thing but just in general I'm not a friendly person I dont know poeples names and dont so much care too and I feel silly if I talked all this small talk and shared my plans or whatever feeling to the coffee maker and then found out we werent friends. nDea had a phone talk with eCarri and IDK I am trying to be a decient person and butt out so nothing but silence from me as I was by his side on the couch while theytalked but then he looked at me and she eCarri says hi. omg I had to grit it thru my teeth to say hi back. What is this sh!t is she really a better person than me.. wth. Also haveing tence anxiety about what will happen in a few weeks (the weekend immediate following my birthday) his daughter is getting married. I'm unsure if I'm invited or not but also I'm worried about not being invited too. I dont wanna do it but I dont wanna leave him hanging either and I dont wanna reject his daughter or granddaughter but I dont wanna be tricked and roped into C drama. Anyhow a lot of I's here but he does have things on his mind too. We havnt talked about it . So I'm thinking well for him I need to be a better person and this is NOT about C and IDK how to interact with someone who I think is a snake in the grass but I have to support him right this is what I wanted to be? I love him. I want to love hium but I feel like I'm failing and things I do habbits and quirks wants needs and fears dont always make the best things for him. IDK what he wantsto do but he mentioned today we need to do something we never do anything. Anyhow IDK i'm not sure what something would be I mean we go fishing we did golf and mini golf we did the aracades pool at the bar. IDK at some poing he will meet eMichell likely hopefully a bike ride there. I'm not into rollercoasters so IDK if amusment parks are a good idea I have not much expiernce in them. Anyhow so we went to the thrift store bc I'm looking for a cheap easy to read easy reciepe book for dinners things I can cook bc I want to do better I want to do things that make him happy and he can enjoy but while prospecting books I snapped at him I was like well if you dont tell me if you like any of these your'e gonna keep gettin sh!t for dinner bc I cant make anythign right. I realise how inapporipate that was almost right away and apologise but oh how I need the LORD if I dont start adn/or keep GOD first I guess i'll turn into this totally worldy selfish peerson which can never be a wife that a man speficaly my man would want and I really want this to workout . Anyhow I really cant be the person he needs without the LORDS grace and help so I gotta get back to being more pure. so nDea doesnt compain much about me or to me and he's nothing but loving but I can tell I inconvience him andmiss the mark alot and i' know I'm less than standard. I pretty much suck and yeah I think Im proablly even fat now too IDK I'll have to check the scale but did get my one workout in today so Well a few days straight in a row. so next mental quirk is yBaile has a birthday shes 3 in a few weeks so todays b-day shopping for her omg online I want to have it delivered so far no party mentions anyhow I ended with 2 books a dr. suess happy b-day to you book , a toodler acticoty book and some cute little build your own garden toy it says 51pieces o kinda like a 3d puzzle or blocks I'm guessing. but heres my htinking it took me a loooong time bc I was so stressed I wanted to be sure to have one thing in there for fun one useful thing and/or book and I had to have something that speficaly has a birthday remark on it so well she would know althou I gift packed the toy and did gift recpiets notes still. Anyhow it all stresses me out her total was around 40-45$ it will be there the 14th and when I text yLindset that it would be there the 14th I found out shes' outta town but she said she'll ask her mominlaw to bing it in but dam why do I always have to be akward I guess i should just have bought in store stuff and said lets get tagether or should I have texted first and say is that ok. does that befforehand action ruin the gift omg I suck I suk and everythign . Everythings akward for me. Anyhow todays issues are all in my head selfishly yup my head nooone else is thinking of this sh!t and as said people have things on their plate. I need to get outside myself. I gotta so something get my spirit right be a blessing.