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2021-07-10 14:38:51 (UTC)

Pointless.

I don’t like my little brother. He has done everything and nothing wrong.

I don’t like his coughing nervous tic. All it does is make me want to die with my little mysophobia thing or whatever it is that has to do with germs and contamination. He does not cover his mouth. I want to sucker punch- wait no. When I hear it, I get the urge to erase myself so I no longer have to live with him.

I don’t like how unhygienic he is so I definitely don’t like how close he gets to me when I’m outside my room.

I don’t like that this makes me sound like someone who believes they’re especially clean but I’m aware of how frequently (not often) this dude showers.

I don’t like that he watches gacha videos or the spoilers about mha instead of watching the actual show or reading the literal manga. I don’t like the fact that he owns the living room, literally sleeps in there. But I also would hate, absolutely just perish, if he spontaneously decided to return to sharing a room with me. Especially with the coughing thing he developed. I’d run away. I don’t care. I’d go live with my grandma.

I don’t like how my parents are lenient towards his behavior and I don’t like that it is probably the same way (the leniency) with me, I can’t be objective enough to know for sure.

I don’t like that he can technically still say that this is his room too. I hate it. It’s like I live in someone’s fudging garage since all his stuff is here and he sleeps out there. I hate being possessive over *my* stuff since none of it is legitimately owned by me anyway.

I don’t like being so negative and I don’t like that I can’t stop because I am not currently able to remove him from my life.

I don’t understand how I could even be a special case here, I don’t know why the others are able to just listen to all that coughing and not end up chucking him out of a window. I don’t get it. I usually have my fan on or music so that I can block out the noise that manages to come through my door.

You know my sister recently got engaged so she’s probably going to move out sometime soon. Good for her. I may or may not get to have her room but now I’m realizing that it doesn’t change the fact that I’m gonna have to keep living with him. [Expletive].

I’ve never wanted to go outside just for the sake of it. But when home becomes a place where someone like that occupies. I just don’t want to do this anymore.
I don’t want to think about this but it’s so close there’s no getting away from it. I bet this all seems very funny, silly from an outside perspective. Oh how I wish I was just an outside perspective right now. Not me.

Am I just being dramatic? Ah yes because how could an older sister act so dramatically when her younger brother may be sick or what if he’s just uncomfortable of what if there’s dust in the air. What if he’s dying.

My parents (my mom) said it was just a nervous tic. (She said they couldn’t do anything about it and how funny is that)
“ Psychogenic or habit cough is common, particularly in children, and is usually a diagnosis arrived at after exclusion of other causes. Habit cough is a throat-clearing noise made by a person who is nervous and self-conscious.”
Well [expletive].
Gross. I mean oh no. Why the frick would he be nervous just sitting there on the couch or in his desk chair like he does all day everyday???

I hate it here. Why couldn’t he just develop something less annoying like idk eyebrow raising. I bet I’m being freaking insensitive right now and how annoying is that. I hate being mean and I hate being mad and irritated. I hate being hateful. Whatever.

I don’t wanna be here. But I’m not gonna go outside because I look fudging ugly. Oh and I might get kidnapped but that’s on the less concerning side of the scale of course.

I can almost feel the embarrassment future me is feeling from rereading this crap entry. I don’t like her anyway.
This is one of those times I wish I had a friend who’s house I could go over to. My parents aren’t even home rn.

Right now, there’s nothing I can do that I want to do. Especially since I want to leave. And die. But mostly just leave.
There’s nothing I can do about this situation that will actually change anything for me. I either scream my head off until I get in trouble or I ignore everything that irritates me and nothing changes. Even writing this is pointless.

All of this is. Getting mad. Getting sad. I should just go to sleep. But then my schedule will get worse.

Forget it. I want to hold hands with someone right now. A freaking comfort scenario- what even is my life.


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