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2021-07-08 20:39:45 (UTC)

Had one of those moments today ..

Had one of those moments today where I was like, 'Oh, I don't feel like total shit anymore and my brain isn't telling me to kill myself. What's going on?'

Not to say I feel amazing, just I have some clarity. Still nihilistic (you'd think this fucking thing would be able to figure out wtf I'm trying to say when I spell it wrong) and insecure, and a lot of emotional madness bubbling away under the surface.

I don't know when this phase of feeling down started. I feel like it must've been at some point during the planning/negotiations with Lot, but I think it might've been before. Certainly, it's justified now, literally living under totalitarianistic law. The hopelessness, the helplessness. Knowing that unhappiness is my default state, and that people don't see that, because I project happiness and I am genuinely happier when I'm around people (in certain cases.) And like, besides the fact that EVERYONE has Pandemic Trauma, like, that doesn't negate MY needs.

When my head gets all foggy and dark, I need help. It's the times people don't see me. Just passive audiences. And then if the wrong person from that audience responds I'm like, No, I don't have the desire/energy for emotional intimacy with You. But lately I have also been like... Why not connect with people more? Even the people I'm trying to make money off, there's a degree of intimacy that being my honest self - the personable, opinionated, engaging me - people like that. So, why not?

Probably had more to say but I got distracted writing something else.