If I die today
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people in life
Todays been typical nothing so much to report I had some neck/shoulder pain last night. Pretty much usual "routine" as can be here . Its 95 out we ran this morning total time was like 32 min. I did one excersize video. slept from around 10-close to 5. One thing on my mind is SuZie I found out she passed (when she died like 5years ago) from a friend even thou it was like the day after I saw her at the hosptial and had been calling her for like a week. I was just sorta in the rumor mill. So to me its like noone invited me or thought to call me about her passing or arragnements maybe I wasnt important in her life. I wouldnt want my friends or friendships to seem that way bc believe it or not people matter to me even as far back as Amber and sammy, then all the way to the time of MAC mrs. marysue. Theres just a few eople that may be lost in the wind of my life like lCaro may think they didnt/dont mattter and they made a diffrencce. But what do you do. iTrac my "cousin" is someone who I alos bonded with I defintly think aJessic will get ripped off if I passed too she'd be an oversite from outsiders looking in on my life but she mattered and cares. Just thinking on those kinda things. Also so is it right if I do ever actually tell nDea I'm sorry for putting him thru this and I shoulda waited is it wrong to assume hey I hurt the C monster. I mean I did cause this rapid movement in her life and didnt pressure him to do right by her and protect her emotions and mind. I guess I need to think bc God help me I dont wanna apologise to her but I did wrong and no matter how she chooses to live or who she chooses to be or abuse I created that offence maybe its due that I say that I'm sorry and shoulda waited but do I really want to hand a pshcoyo path or narrist ammo like that? IDK many things on my mind and I do feel guilty and am seeing a lot of my wrong lately and I just dont feel like its healing I really need to talk to him but (nDea ) but I just dont know whens the right time and I just want to tell him that I'm sorry for that I dont need much else but least owning it maybe things will move forward purely. Well thats all I got to say for now. Oh and I really should pay my loan so least that payment should be made if I exit the world soon.
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