Honeybee

Metamorphosis
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Ezoic
2021-07-07 14:47:08 (UTC)

Diurnal

I accidentally timed my morning routine today. From brushing my teeth to applying skin care on my face, it took about 10 minutes. I even let my hair down and brushed it for good measure. It all felt so serene and filled with purpose, a self-care ritual. And I thought it was a positive start, you know? I thought I looked healthy and clear and awake… I even thought I looked pretty. It wasn’t just my face, I think. I caught up on much needed sleep. I showered last night rather than this morning so my hair is wavier and has more volume. And finishing a sketch that I’m quite pleased with gave me a nice confidence boost so that really ties it all together. I’m hoping today will be a good one.

All in all, I think love is a healthy emotion, even if it’s unrequited or not aimed at a specific someone. The fact that it’s there bubbling inside can send a kind of positive beacon to others around. I have found that in days in which I simply have this feeling without being able to direct it at someone in particular, I end up broadcasting in without meaning to. I’m simply happy and calm, and without realising it, I project it by wanting to celebrate my femininity; I start to want to dress nicely, let my hair down, indulge in a necklace or some rings. Maybe it’s actually better that way. Maybe by spreading around this love then I’m creating a web of positivity and anyone who notices is welcome to connect. A more confined approach can feel toxic, I suppose. Directing it at one person can feel like trapping them, maybe, and for others to feel rejected.

A thought did occur to me, though, that maybe I feel this good because it has to do with seeing a particular student today. He’s someone I started teaching a few weeks ago, one of the older ones, around 21, who really simply needs speaking sessions rather than school material. He walked in and I couldn’t help but notice he was in fact good-looking, but he’s also so well-mannered and chirpy and thoughtfully considerate that a teeny-tiny innocent crush began to well up in me. I would never, obviously, but it’s these little things you have with people that make you feel good sometimes, you know? They sort of up your performance and social skills and next thing you know you’re happy being around people. It’s a more selective process for introverts like me, but you get my drift.

In other news, there has been a surprising return to Arctic Monkeys in my listening habits. It might just explain why I’ve been feeling so sensual and libidinous lately. Their music has that kind of effect on me. In addition to that, they’ve been allowing me to revisit certain stories that eventually helped get back into writing the one about Anna. The themes are better developed now, the characters, the plotline… I’ve been working on an outline for the entire novel that seems to be going really well. It’s invigorating. I suppose after Deftones’ “Change” there had to have been something to breathe life back into me.

For what it’s worth, I love you.


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