2021-07-06 09:56:28 (UTC)


I can't for the life of me figure out who he was but he seemed so familiar. We were in the same room, packing to go home from somewhere, when I confessed my feelings to him. He didn't reciprocate but seemed genuinely upset that he didn't. Later on I overheard someone talking to him, trying to convince him it's a good thing that someone has feelings for him that he doesn't return, as if that alone should make him feel better, give him power. And it got me a little angry, that my emotions were used like that, used to simply make someone feel better about themselves without any true acknowledgement as to what I may be going through. I even used the words "unrequited love" when I confronted them.

Dreams like that offer a chance to introspect, even though lately I'm trying to do much less of that. Because thinking about my emotions is such an integral part of me, it's infuriating when someone else takes them lightly, or worse, abuses them. It's not that I overvalue my emotions, just that... when you put so much effort into understanding something, it's incredibly disrespectful for someone else to dismiss it like it's inconsequential. It can piss you off at the very least.

But you know, this dream makes me think about how I could never be someone's submissive, someone's tool for selfish gain and all that, and yet, last night I had a rather violent fantasy about someone real. It wasn't a BDSM scene as such but... I imagined making love to someone who causes me pain. Physical pain, mental pain, but there was still a mutual exchange of power there, of need, and desire. As if by allowing him to rip into me and take my very essence then I am also witnessing how much he wants me to himself. I didn't submit to him, rather, we both submitted to something larger than the both of us. If emotions fuel action then the more drastic the action, the more powerful the emotion that causes it. And I think I want that person with a strong and fierce passion that's so new to me. It enacts itself in violent fantasies as a result. I could say it's unbecoming of me but if I were to attempt to explain this then it would be that I'm adapting to what that person has shown me throughout the years, to the darkness he projected. To put it simply, all of this is my mind conjuring up a scenario in which I can be with him.

And yet, the question of why I'm so drawn to him remains to be answered. He's not a bad person, or violent or toxic, at least I don't think so. It's just the area in which I feel we could connect takes place in the shadows. I'm not sure why. Still, maybe I'll have my answer after a different dream.

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