If I die today
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2021-07-05 17:16:33 (UTC)

wait for it

I think I'm sitting here waiting for water to heat after washing dishes bc I want to shower thats my plan. IDK if theres anyotheere plan tonight but thats whatever. I'm a classic screw up at everything kinda here I am full ccircle this is me realising how bad a screw up I am not knowing why I cant fight over my own failures bc truth is its me . I'm sure I'll jump back on that thought train in a minute but first the real stuff. Slept from around probally midnight till about 9ish I decided to get up. had 1 flexreial and one promenthizine my sinuses hurt I had like a sinusey headache last night I think I had some sorta headache and neasuea. Went to my friends parts we went about 430 till about 7 when we went to hs family. Cant complain only sad we couldnt stay at mine. Sure enough C monster was at his family's thing I cant say much I just really have no reason to be envolved. It was civil. Its a hard thing to say we didnt stay long bc he was worried about the dog. today I worked out about 25min on video for full body toning. went fishing to no avail but I guess thats cool. I have so much sh!t I want to do tommorw. I want to run I want to make sure I get the things I need to be a better well person a freakin sivilaizated housetrained person. I suck at everything Im so freaking tired of it and embarssed and I can see nDea's geeting frusterated with well me I suck this is me I guess I'm a godly awful mess but literally I feel like I cant funtion maybe I am stupid. IDK its like my sihes are never clean thats for real I literally cant wash a freakin dish. I'm trying to keep up after every meal to see if that helps but so far over the past 2 days not seeing an imporvment. I have no idea how to organize. I have so much what i think I need but hell I better figure out how much shit I can just pitch and habbits or whatever I can quit I really want him to be happy to and trust me I'm probally a gross slob. I dont wanna be this way. I dont know how to fold clothes I get stressed out doing things for other people even nDea bc I just dont know detials or how too's. I just feeling like hell. Sometimes I feel rejected and dejected but could be a combo of feelings and both. IDk I'm trying not to freak out or cry or scream or be mad. Its just life as me. Its also I cant stay like this with this attidude its useless and its not gonna attract the kinda company I want to keep in life if all I have is sob complaints and excuses. so I need to do better. IDk if I'm gonna cry in the shower/bath or not but whatever I do I'll do private I just feel stuck in a rut and also I worry about all these little things the annoying things about me may drive away my love or drive away this relationship or I get overwhelmed and melt and freak out maybe walk away scared with my tail between my legs. I dont know what I need but I know my habbits having a lot of anxieties and fears right now of failures and helplessness so gotta pick myself up I can do this get it together and do better be who I need who I want to be. I want this relationship to work but i know I'm a problem. I even actualy thought for a bit what would JEsus doo guess what I cam up with in my mind see I entered into this grey zone relationship I knew there was a woman here and I had thought she was a wife and well anyhow I choose to take a chance and find out more then I found out it wasnt but theres was so much grey and blurried lines you know He Jesus wouldnt have entered into a pursuit of this realtionship until there was clarity there was never a clear peaceful piuicture and if he was serios about me she woulda been out the picture in time rught? Anyhow I shouldnt have ever done this and I did and thats what grace is for right to go on? I think theres grace to go on in purity I cant take back what I did and I'm sorry I dont know to who but I feel like I did wrong by pursueing this at that exact time but I dont regret nDea or who he is i dont regret us. I just think I shouldnt have rushed and that things coulda prospered more peacefully. Anyhow I think I need to go I'm getting all overloaded in thee brain and antsy and wanting to be distracted and about 4thousand feelings. In the realness thou this is my life. So it was going to be a short blurb mini will or something a day so like if I die people would know what happened why and what I had intended but now its more likethe real life story of me. IDk its my journal and Im kinda into it once I actually sit down and type but I would like to get off the topic of I on occasion

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