no name
2021-07-04 08:16:59 (UTC)


For all the things that I’ve written about my family, I’ve somehow managed to forget how much I dislike them and their previous actions. For once, I quite loathe my terrible memory.

I almost hit the back of my brothers head with a hanger. Why do I even stop myself anymore.

Despite all my parents do for me, and especially for what my mom has done to me, I really shouldn’t trust her all that much.

My dad is annoying for constantly needing love affirmations. Like, you can go get that from YOUR WIFE. Not him constantly needing me to say ‘I love you’ or give him hugs. In fact, I almost find it disgusting. You’re the adult here, if anything, you should be assuring me of stuff. And get out of my personal space. The frick.

My sister manages to be one of the most irritating people I’ve ever met, even when good intentions are actually involved. I don’t like her. I didn’t say she’s a bad person. I just do NOT like her and I don’t want her near me right now, and hopefully not ever. She’s just as bad as my mom except she’s just really pushy and pretends all of the things she forced onto me is for my own good.

My brother. Ohhhhh my younger brother. Even having to admit that almost makes me want to off myself. He probably wants to kill me and I would no doubt have the same intentions. He’s annoying and gross. Not even with that hint of being sweet that my parents always used to say he had when I wasn’t there. Just an annoyance. Someone who’s existence causes me unnecessary stress. Someone who makes me want to die sincerely due to the fact that I can’t remove him from the place I live. His taunts. Hisself. His voice. His face. All of it just makes me want to block him out, who cares about the consequences, he has other family members just as annoying and normal as him to bother talking to for everything. I don’t even want to interact with him.

I wouldn’t give a single ^wajdk^ whether or not someone considered me *insert random negative trait I come up with* right now. I don’t care. It doesn’t matter you’re not here right now. No ones stopping me from typing this and I’m not stopping myself because I feel the way I feel.

I wish I picked up some traits from the characters I’ve read all about. Their ability to endure, quietly. To build up their strength, waiting for a day to FUDGING LEAVE. My household may not be abusive, not in the least (I think? Probably.), but that doesn’t change my need to be away, to leave these people, to desperately climb away from their hands and grip on my life that they’ve had since forever (or since I was born).

I’m tired of being in a spotlight family in my community tired of ever having to have stood next to such stand-out people. Tired of them and their personalities. Tired of them and their positions. Tired of their aspirations and expectations for me who is no longer the me they want. And yet they persist. Why ask me if I love you when I’ve already said it once, twice, thrice—nobodies counting but I bet its more than that—before. For that matter, I don’t even know if I love you. So stop asking. I don’t know what it feels like to love so repeatedly asking me the same unanswerable question is not going to change my mental answer, even if that one doesn’t change my verbal answer, (yes).

Scary parents. Annoying parents. Untrustworthy parents. Immature parents.

Annoying sister. Pushy sister. Gross sister. Too close to me sister.

Annoying brother. Go away and don’t die brother (simply because cursing someone to death isn’t something I can willingly do in my thoughts or words). Gross brother. Barely my brother. Wouldn’t touch you if my life depended on it brother. Loud brother. Disgusting brother.

I’m done badmouthing.

On another note, this morning sucks. I’m going to church. Hope that’s not too much of a surprise. I just wish that I could be more like Kaho, the protagonist of this one story I’m reading. She was quiet. Silent around family. Family she did not like but definitely had good reason not to. Always meeting expectations and succeeding when that family wanted her to. Obedient, smart, strong, and a reincarnate. All things I do not have.

No matter what I think of myself, I simply cease to care. About school. Their expectations. My future. My sleep schedule. All things that ensure my ability to succeed later on in life. I just don’t care. Nothing matters enough to me. Not even family, which is why I don’t wear a mask (metaphorical) around them. I just don’t care enough to create a nice facade but I care just enough (my lack of pain tolerance) to do what they say when a punishment is threatened.

I want to die. But that train of thought doesn’t save me either. I wish that along with those 4 words came a sudden unwillingness to survive and a loss of self preservation. No more disobeying because I don’t even want to be here. Everything would be so much easier if I just gave up. Decided that I want to leave and nothing is worth anything. But right now I’m angry. I don’t feel nothing. It’s so unfortunate. So so so so so frustratingly unfortunate and unfair that I am done.

Done. I don’t want to be here. I want to ***. And I’m in it for the long run.
I’m stuck with these disgusting ^hendb^ until I become financially stable. I wish, I hope, I die by natural means before having lived too long with them.

I hope my brothers coughing somehow manages to kill me and he becomes partly responsible for my death. I hope guilt eats them up. I hope they feel regret it I survive and never contact them again.

Have some great days, strangers. And frick you, I mean, frick me.