The Next Chapter
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Can I just scream...
My anxiety is through the roof today. In my mind.. I want to just scream and start throwing shit around in a wild tantrum but I wont..because I'm not three..
I don't really know why I feel this way, other than the fact that I have to work tonight and I don't wanna.. Like I really don't wanna.
I never have time for anything. Even now as I am writing theres a million other things that need to be done... I gotta practice my songs...Glitter in the air by pink, as well as Hallelujah by Rufus Wainwright... love the songs. But I'm just not feeling either one of them.
I also need to do a painting for my penpal..I need to write my penpal..lol
He seems to be an interesting guy. He's my age, bisexual..more into men, so I think thats why I feel safe talking to him. He never gets sexual with me..but has no problem talking about sex..which I don't mind.
Anyway...I also got laundry to do. And a house to clean...ugh.. just all the things.
I gotta text Nikki...ugh
I met her online, and she seems cool but also a little broken maybe??
So I really don't know if I should text her or not... I mean.. do I really want to pick up the pieces of someone else's relationship?
Can I even?
She isn't the only one that's broke.
I mean last night while we were talking, all I wanted to do was make her smile. And I did... which was good. But then all I could think..was "Great, now how do I make her moan?"
Because I'm good at being sweet, and charming...but that's where it ends..and I find myself in the friend zone... fuck the friend zone
And I think what bothers me most.. is she reminds me of someone else.. Even her name... She's either a blessing or a curse. And I can't tell the difference.
All I know..is I need to get laid, and I'm tired of my fucking vibrator...I know it's selfish. But I need more.
The vibrator provides stimulation.. but no penetration.. because somehow I got myself in this loop where it feels like I don't deserve to cum..
Is it because I fucked up years ago with Mistress, or... is it a deeper cut that stems from my abusive childhood?
Its really fucked up that the two of them are so close in my mind right now. I'm never gonna get over any of it... am I?
Besides all that, Bryan found a job... finally. I should be ecstatic, and looking forward to him getting on his feet so he can move out. but I just can't help but wonder how he is going to fuck it up.
Everyone keeps telling me how I've made him too comfortable living here... and carrying him through his illness when in reality I didn't have to because he isn't my responsibility. We aren't married.
But don't they know me?
I have to be the one to take care of everyone. Everyone has to be happy and comfortable, otherwise I fail.
I become a cold hearted bitch..and there's punishment for that. If not by the people around me, then by karma itself. It's a lose lose situation.
Well, as I mentioned earlier, I got things to do..and I work tonight so I'm gonna try to catch up
I'll write more when I can.