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2021-07-01 22:10:55 (UTC)

Mean

Deep inside, I think I’ve always known that I was mean. More so than was necessary.
Or rude. Inconsiderate. Unkind. Uncaring. However you’d like to phrase it.

Past instances where I was thinking bad, acting bad, and being rude for no reason. Or my lack of interest—and maybe empathy/sympathy—for other people and their lives.

To put it simply, my mom scolded me for not coming out of my room for the majority of the day (then she got mad at me when I told my sister not to call my phone but I just don’t see why she’d call my phone like what is the reason? To check up on me? But I’m fine. I always am.) and there are two ways I could reflect here.
1. By deciding to never EVER come out of my room again and regretting my decision to do so for the sake of food.
Of course, that would be very selfish? Or is it childish? Whatever, the idea is that it’s the wrong answer.
2. Comply with my mothers request—order😐—for me to come out everyday like a normal person and say good morning because it’s the least I could do…

Idek why she wants me to come out of my room. Either she wants to teach me good mannerisms or she literally believes that I should be greeting her out of respect. Not that I disagree.

I must be so self centered that none of it is occurring to me. Maybe I should watch some kid shows to rewire my mind. My failed mind that cannot function normally.

She was talking about how she was trying to be considerate and understanding because she remembers when she was my age (idk why but I highly doubt that, I would’ve gotten rid of me by now if I were her). I guess I’ve been disappointing her for a while now. Good to know. Thanks for the feedback.
Maybe, just maybe, I should stop trying to comfort myself (💀💀no doubt about it, I am self centered- help) and instead, just do other stuff.

By other stuff I mean fixing my sleep schedule. Ridding myself of that phobia. Doing everything required of me that I don’t want to do. Because clearly, I’m not meant to comfort myself (*stay in my comfort zone*), never was.
Which leads me back to rewiring my brain, my mind, my emotions, my thoughts, which have been so distorted to the point that I am like this. Having this personality, thinking like this. I’d like a restart button, thank you very much.

I say all this but I’m aware it’s probably because of the time of day we’re approaching. That time of day (night*) where everything seems possible. Motivation that depleted by morning. I really am sorry to disappoint.
Sorry to have failed. Am I weak for not being able to garner enough motivation to get out of bed in the morning? Yes. Yes I am. So weak. So weak minded that my emotional state can be disturbed by coughing that I hear outside my room. So self centered and cowardly that I only care about what I think and how I feel, basing my actions around those feelings of fear.

But really, none of that matters. None of it. I have a job. A job I’m failing. Failing in a way I couldn’t have predicted a month or two ago. I have things to do and yet I’m here. In bed. Again.
I’m so weird. I don’t mean weird as in unique or quirky. I mean weird as in abnormal, misshapen, warped. No, i take that back. I’m just bad. Not bad as in bad boy😎 but bad as in rotten. Or maybe not that either. Yeah I’m gonna pretend I didn’t say any of that.

I need help. I want* help. I want that help from someone I could tell anything. I can’t tell my family or friends everything. I want help from someone who would care or see it as a duty to care because I am just that self centered when there is no one who’s going to do that. That is selfish.

I’m tired of seeing my words and thoughts. It’s just rambling at this point. The gist of it is that I want to stop being bad and be good- no, normal. Plus, I have to greet people in the morning now.

I wish I had a switch to just turn myself (my mind) off at this point. Let my body do the work.


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