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2021-07-01 13:31:01 (UTC)

it's the same

Nothing has changed, really. In fact, it probably got worse. With no school to distract me from all my troubles and thoughts that I wouldn’t have had time for, it all lingers. I am here, in my bed again. Not leaving my room.

Thinking about how I can hear him coughing in the living room even though my door is closed. It’s quite constant. Knowing that air circulates, I wonder if I’m breathing in the same air. I wonder if I’ll get sick because of that. If it’s slowly killing me. If it is, I wish it’d happen sooner so I could stop worrying about this. Especially because I have a feeling that the worrying is pointless. Everything is temporary and yet I have so much trouble just bearing with the status quo.

I think I’m gonna go to sleep. Or pretend I’m sleep. It really is pointless to be awake during the day for me. But it’s also boring at night. Setting goals is also futile. So I will lie here. In my bed. Listening to music and sounds to block out the noise of my reality. I wonder how dramatic I sound to someone right now. Or if someone reading this is taking it seriously. I really am self conscious. Hilariously so.
Music might hurt me though. Sad music, or music I’ve associated with sad things/times, makes me feel sad. But happy music, yk, will get me feeling pumped up for no reason. I don’t want to disturb my emotional state since if I go too high, it’ll be a long way down. Then going too far down that sad one will have me shooting back up when something even slightly good happens.

I’d rather not. Choosing music is another difficult task. Maybe if I would just bear with the emotions they make me feel and throw it away after, I wouldn’t have such a hard time over something so trivial.

I wonder how it feels to live rather than exist. I wonder which one I’m doing. I can guess. I’m not even necessarily wasting time (on these thoughts) right now since I’m not meant to be doing anything, school-wise.

I wonder why I’m sharing any of this on this website. Maybe it’s a release. Maybe it’s my way of seeking pity or something. Maybe I want future me to look back and see how dramatic or genuinely sad, idk anymore, I was during these times.
All I know is…nothing. I know nothing. Nothing for sure. All I have is…nothing. I don’t know myself and I don’t own anything. How fun. I can’t diagnose myself or know for sure what my intentions are. I seem confused.

All I know is I exist and it isn’t very fun at the moment. Especially because I forgot what I began this entry talking about. I don’t like that aspect of my memory (or thoughts?).

I hope everyone is having a good day today.

That reminds me. Do I matter? Does what I do matter? I vaguely recall that questions coming before. But generally, when I say it’s all pointless, I’m referring to my thoughts and words. They don’t change anything. Never have. So I guess they don’t matter.

I remember thinking that nothing I do really matters unless another person is aware, involved, or affected. I don’t affect anyone with my existence besides when I take up their time or money, as far I’m aware. I’m fed, clothed, and my hair is done. That’s as far as I affect other lives, my family alone, I think.

I know my best friend calls me her best friend but I don’t think I’d account for much in her life. I’m just me, after all. And I’ve come to realize that time isn’t always a big factor in the progression of relationships. So even if we’ve known one another for years, I’m still me and she is still her who deserves better.

In conclusion, all I do to affect her is take up her time by talking.

I have a small bubble, socially. I don’t affect many people and those that I do affect are not being benefitted. So, hypothetically speaking, if I were to withdraw from their lives, they’d be just fine. I mean, I don’t provide anything, so this wouldn’t be selfish. In fact, it might be the most selfless thing I could have ever done for anyone.

This all means one thing, I’m never coming out of my room again. It’ll be fine. On that note, to all who somehow read to the end of this for some reason, including future me, have a good afternoon and goodbye. Not forever, of course.

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