If I die today
2021-07-01 07:02:13 (UTC)

inner pain

I'm feeling on the lazy side. I have some painish burning not what I would call acid reflux. I think maybe my pancrease or something its that right upper side. It getts slighty aggravte4d by coffee. Some neasua but nothing out of the ordinary. I've been thru these kinda things before. took 1 melation last night slept from 9ish till 430something. I think I had a dream but cant recall. Anyhow havnt pooped yet today. Had coffee yogurt and fruit walkedthe dog in the 10-15mph wind. then worked out on my video on tv. I have no motivation my body feels heavy. I'm not a fan of the wind. The temp should be a high of 102ish today right now were 73 so wasnt a bad walk. so IDK I may have mentioned it before I still keep trying to digest the rFoste's and I think I'm guilty of some of what they accuse me of even to the point where i would not like in a full on tempting way (nothing would ever happen) but I did want them to see my in my cami so the little trips to the bathroon and such or cracking the door when sleeping like that was a sham. I get it I'm offensive and as much and I'm offended and deny being a slut and whatever she called me maybe theres a little truth. I was outta line and lets be fair about when she kept "smelling" pot and accusing me of smoking in the house. 1st off I didnt smoke and the stuff offended me back then. (nowdays IDK what to make of it) anyhow to stay on task of these thoughts well I was orginally asked to make coffee upstairs. I kinda slipped it in I'm sure they may have been smeeling the coffee or my cheap hot water heater. so I need to just get over it. I was nervos about the stairs int he first place but also concerned about waking people up which is why I broke the reequest either way I was rude and offensive. I shouldnt hve done that. A lot of this I brought on myself. I'm not such a great hot witness for GOD so I can get over that. I was a clown how did I think what I was beliveing and behaving was any better than their" worship?" Granted i felt they were demonic but sheesh my wholee scheme was demonic. I read yeterday in the hallijuah scripture while nDea took a phone call from eCarri (probally bc he's an idiot IDK why the hell he does that ) anyhow I came to 1st or 2nd timothy I was reading that a solider doesnt have dealings outisde of the one who recruited him to be a solider. Something like that I dont have the quote but anyhow if I wanna be used by GOD and be in the fight if I'm on this team I gotta stop negoting and resist the enemy and reject his ways all of them. Man I'm a mess. Oh and not in that smae sitting but oter time alone been thinking about MJ pot. I think abuout it a lot I know not what I do or why I want the benifits but I dont want the conquences and Id hate to view it as evil but thinking this is sorta being pushed almost like the c-19 shot theres ddeciated stores shirts people where and display the plant as decorative. We're proud of it and people fight over it. the whole thing struck me thou the fact we wear the image of it with pride is this not something people have become to worship this plant. Potheads really get into not giving it up for anything. What would cause a person to give it up. Think about how its being pushed now as legal and the health benifits. While not everyone is on board I think its something to this IDK what make of it and where it fits it . For me with God I feel that i've lost my pssion I used to want to be completely pure as could be no pot no alcholol no sex I want4ed to be soo innconet and pure for the LORD and I lost that desire years ago even at t4he rFoste's I would sneak to yokes and buy a wine or something and i even would drink hand santizer just hoping for that buzz. What a mess. so nyhow I'm realy screwed up althou I act like this I believe its not a means to and end and that the LORD is our healer and will provide according to his will. I think reccreational use isnt of GOD. Its hard to resist thou. I worry terribly about nDea and I seeit in him the need for salavtion but IDK how to witness and I cant svave him and IDK what when why or how GOD let him down but that was serious. All I can do is pray for him but me acting like a fool cernly cant be purseave that GOD is good and cares. I worry about him a lot. Anyhow my brains on overdrive. I dont know what to do but I need to keep going forward do chores stick to a routineish be as productive as I can today maybe aim for an after lunch nap althou I want it now.

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