Gentleman ♀

Death, Sadness, And Numb Confusion

Hello,

I'm back I know I've been gone for like ever but it's summer vacation so shush. Just kidding! Noone actually keeps up with my diary so you wouldn't know I haven't posted in just shy of two weeks TUT. I don't really mind though, I'm just happy that a few people read it at all even if it's just one entry. So anyway, about that depressing title... We had to put our cat down today. His name was Heathcliff and my parents have had him for 19 years. It hit my mom a lot harder than the rest of us, understandably. I've lived with him since I was born so you'd think I'd be balling my eyes out or at least crying but nope, nothing. My mom says it doesn't feel the same with him gone but I don't feel a difference at all. Does that make me a bad person? I feel like a bad person.

I always used to say he was immortal, we all expected him to pass on years ago and honestly, if we didn't put him down I firmly believe he would have lived forever. My little sister (9) was wayyyyy more upset than I was. She gave him a hug and had him sit on her lap and all that but I just gave him a pat on the head and let them spend more time with him. Hailey, the sister from before, accused me of hating him and said that I didn't care that he was dead. I told her I didn't hate him and that I just didn't have a connection with him but I think she's still mad at me. My mom said I hated him too and that I thought he was creepy, spoiler alert, I don't hate him and I don't think he's creepy. I actually thought he was really pretty with big splotchy green eyes and a brown tabby coat with white bits on his paws and stomach. I told her the same thing I told my sister about me just not connecting with him and all that but she just kinda walked away. Once again I feel like a bad person.

I know that everyone deals with death differently and all that but I'm just not dealing with it at all. Not because I'm too upset but because I'm barely upset at all. I know I should be, but I'm just not. All he did was screech, poop, sneeze snot on everything, and puke everywhere. Idk I feel horrible for thinking about him that way especially seeing how much this wrecked my mom and now that he's dead-. Jesus, all this makes me wanna cry but of course, I cant cry so now I'm just sitting here stressing out about something that doesn't even matter. I don't wanna care if they think I hate him, I don't wanna care if they think I'm heartless, I don't care if he's dead. They can deal with it. Sorry if I didn't connect with him, sorry if I don't feel super sad, and sorry if I don't feel anything missing.

Another quick topic, so in a previous entry... I think it was the one called "Love Ya Dad", I mentioned how my grandpa was in the hospital. No, he's not dead! But he's not doing too good and once again I don't feel anything. I'm not scared he's gonna die and I don't really care what's wrong with him. Of course, I'm not completely heartless but I still feel a lot less than I know I should. According to my mom, my dads been really depressed about it but I can't really do anything about it so how am I supposed to react. I give him hugs as often as I can but I always did that anyway so I don't knowwww. I hate myself right now! I want to cry about it and I want to care but I just don't. Jeez probably look like I've got bipolar disorder or some shit. Going from not caring to want to cry to being angry and just repeating it over and over. I feel like I'm going insane but coming back to reality at the same time. It's 1:30 AM, I've gotta get to sleep. I'll write again soon, see ya'll next time.

~Gentleman