Justwhatever

Sadnant
2021-06-29 14:34:44 (UTC)

The trans pride march was ..

The trans pride march was great. I don't feel much like writing about it all in detail right now though - maybe I will later, maybe it'll happen naturally as I write this.

Once I was by myself, I chatted to Josh via text, saying something about how I'm surrounded by potential friends but I just can't really be a part of them, with my lack of social skill.

No wait, how it started was, as I was waiting in the line for the portaloo, a pair of basic bitches walked past, and one made of those 'confused disgust' kind of sounds. They were skinny and wearing heels and tight dresses and long hair, and when they walked past I turned to watch them. One may have turned to look back, maybe not. But it made me want to fuck her, the one in the lighter coloured body-con dress.
So I texted Josh "I want some basic bitch pussy."
"How come?"
"I'm in Soho and on dex."
"Ah so that's the vibe lol"

Then I rambled about how it's probably something to do with gaining access/power to someone who belonged to a kind of world that I can never really be a part of.

Then later on, while walking around Soho Sq to see the remnants of the trans pride event, all these groups of people, I said how I'm surrounded by potential friends but all I can do is look through glass and be happy that everyone around me is having a good time regardless of me. He said something like "Who wants to be friends with normies anyways."

But I wasn't talking about a vague, vengeful urge to fuck a basic bitch. I was talking about being able to connect with My People. People to whom HE is normie by comparison. But I was too tired and dehydrated to bother explaining further, I just wanted to be in the moment, and also see if LVA was open - which it was, and I had a great time even tho I was tired and a little unfit.

***

I met up with G for the start of the march. They kind of remind me of San, who I was a bit too... Dishonest and then brutally honest with. Which is the exact kind of thing they didn't need. I've since learned that pity is the worst basis for any sort of relationship.

I reminds me how there is a part of me that's ableist, and until I have the bravery to stop apologising for what I am or may be, and just do what the fuck I want, that bitterness is going to remain in me as a venom to come out at the worst moments.
The part of me who "doesn't want anyone who'd want me." A lot of people seem to think I don't give a shit what other people think, but I do, certain people. Ironically, the sort of people who actually don't give a shit, or they do and they're authentic and expressive regardless. People who are "cool", basically.

Maybe I'll get dressed today, wear a binder and see how long until it stops feeling comfortable.

I've also decided to let my stomach shrink. Maybe just for a couple of days. I have to eat on Friday, or at least Saturday morning.

But yeah, G is like... Insecure, family issues, rejection-sensitive/socially anxious, possible religious element to it. But unlike San, they're not so deep in uwu/horny furry culture that they don't realise that's not the default way to interact with people.

I feel like G is kinda where I was at a few months/years ago. Like, they just need some solid, consistent, healthy social connections. And to maybe learn the value in talking to people briefly and never seeing them again. Idk. Maybe I just like that because of my secret fear that people won't find out I'm as Cool as I project.

And ofc caring about being Cool or w/e people actually think of you is the least cool thing ever. And just generally pointless.

***

I spent most of the time after the march hanging out with Ly, who was playing hardcore EDM and dancing about in her wheelchair. I also met her girlfriend. Eventually it was down to 5 of us; when the other two wanted to leave, Ly and her GF were like "Aren't you coming?" And I said "Am I invited?" And they said "We assumed you knew/were with [the other two.]" Something about the cab not having enough space.
I wasn't upset, because I knew the other 2 had little interest in me. My best nights almost always end up with me being alone. Perhaps 100%, like, sure I had a great time with Kyle when we met, but it was probably just the MDMA and the novelty.

Besides that, I'd rather undo every night that ended up sharing a bed with some guy I just met.

I need to be known, not just fucked.

That said. A hottub with 4 alt femmes would've been much nicer, I imagine. Especially if I wasn't dehydrated.


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