We have to head out. It’s going to be a busy day ahead seeing as we’ll have the actual funeral. There will be lots of standing, praying, crying and accepting condolences. For the sake of being present in case I’m needed, I’ll be away from my phone and I’ll make the conscious decision not to write about any of it. In a way this feels like it should be out of respect for grandma not to be in the virtual world so much and make myself available in the real world. Something tells me I won’t be needed because my mom is just a very strong woman and tends to mourn and grieve on her own, but still, it feels like it’s my duty.
I did my best to be present that entire day yesterday. Besides being around so many people filled with grief, I still managed to internalise and acknowledge my own. I knelt by grandma’s body after she was dressed and bandaged and took in as much details as I could while also remembering what memories I had of her. In fact, I couldn’t get a Radiohead line out of my head in that moment. I said my goodbyes. It was so hard for everyone else to let go, naturally, but I kept my attention on my own mother after that. She kept herself active, an escape, no doubt, but she seemed to have stopped seeing me altogether. I became invisible to her all of a sudden. The only time she hugged me that day was when we said goodbye at night. Throughout, she didn’t ask for my help at all, didn’t seek comfort from me, and seemed to ask everyone if they needed anything but me.
Believe me; I’m not saying this because I wanted her attention for myself. It’s not that case at all. It was more that I felt embarrassingly useless to her. Not powerless, just useless. Of course, I’m worried about her emotional health because she’ll just end up going through this on her own—I get that from her, actually—but then I think of my cousins, who sprang into action because they knew what to do and knew where everything was. They were practically from the same town, well connected, and always had the option to visit and spend time with my grandparents while we were always about 45 minutes away by car. I started feeling horrible, fearing that Mom will look back on this experience and express resentment that I wasn’t more involved or knowledgeable to be of real use, and that maybe she’d wish my siblings were here instead. It’s almost shameful that unlike the rest, my sporadic resurfacing tears throughout the day wasn’t because of my deceased grandma but because of the fear that my mother doesn’t quite realise how much I actually love her and worry about her.
I’ve been having vivid dreams lately, of A, of J, so naturally, I hoped I’d dream of grandma last night. Maybe a little something to make me believe in the supernatural that could allow me to feel close to her one last time. Instead, I dreamt of a scenario in which all I did was mess things up that got everyone angry with me. I was left alone, berated, put in danger… No doubt it was a subconscious fear coming out but those things are never pleasant. I guess a fear I have is to be a total failure to anything I hold dear. Good to know.
At any case, there was so much I wanted to tell about and express but those will have to wait until mourning is over. With that, goodbye for now.
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