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2021-06-27 20:03:50 (UTC)

RIP Grandma

At 10:28 am today, June 27, 2021, a very hot Sunday, grandma passed away. Mom got a phone call in the morning, saying to come right away because grandma is being revived. On our way we got the word that it didn't work, her heart just stopped.

It didn't matter how well we knew that this day would come, that she was already semi catatonic, hardly spoke, and that her end would be her weak system failing and heart giving out. Nothing quite prepares you for when grief hits, the loss, the shock... seeing my mom break down in tears, seeing a corpse that looks like my grandma that's pale and already getting cold. It's so unreal at first.

One thing I found surprising was how fairly quickly the crying part passed. Tears kept coming and going throughout but it's how everything started to get practical for the funeral arrangements that scared me a little. Phone calls were made for the burial and ceremony tomorrow, the obituary was written, I even went with my dad to pick up the death certificate. Everyone seemed to know what to do. Grandma's body was dressed and prepped to be taken to the hospital. Their recognition of a corpse as a loving mother and aunt and sister lingered. On my mother's behest I gave her three kisses, two for my siblings as well who are both in Germany now. She was getting cold, and a yellowish kind of pale. And I don't know how I got the courage to do that.

Around me, people made phone calls to relatives and friends. Besides my sister, I wasn't in contact with anyone. I'll have to cancel my classes this week, let the group know I won't be available so much, and postpone my visit to Ivr and R on Thursday. I didn't even think about DG until it was the middle of the day. Texting A or J doesn't feel appropriate at all. Truthfully, I thought of C in the beginning. I was well aware I'd lost him forever and that turning to him wasn't an option at all. But I still went to our chat history and all I could see was the fight we had last, and I felt such remorse. I imagined sending him an email just to be able to say goodbye and to wish him well, but that's an impulsive and emotional move, and I probably won't do any such thing.

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