If I die today
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2021-06-27 05:51:54 (UTC)


last night my weight was 116?$!1?! during my old trainind days I was about 113 to 117 at best and during the running summer last year I hung around 108-113 so I need to make some changes what can I do. Went thru most the box of wine with nDea last night after we went to the araade for 5$ on machines and I think around 30? on drinksIDk for sure he paid but I had one of thier speciality run punch drinks its was too sweet then switched to a single kettle 1 vodka and cranberry. I'm feeling okay its too early way to early to tell if he's allright but I hope so we talked again about not only the hand but the heat causing him to quit possibliy. Its gonna e a tough budget. he's right and I need to humble up. once the divorce is over I would like to chip in but it could be next april assuming its a whole year proccess. I;m still wanting a cotton long skirt and dress but I'm not in need tommrow I need to straighten out things with spectrum then balance the bank before the first. so I think I can do that. Tommrow Might alos have to be laundry day. I got the dog out at like 6this mornign and stopped at Roasterss for my coffee while walking bc #1 noise making cofee and #2 time it was already above 72 when we left thats why I husseled out. we got in a 40min or so walk total at around 32min I think both of us were poopin out. I slept from 9/10ish till like 545 then well was up I woke up a bit which is reasonable. I am discutied with myself bc I'm sure good at finding excuses for why I do what I do and also Im having a very hard time picking out speficics of what to commit toto make the changes. I took my DTE this morniing I grabbed a reg tables spoon I think I was at arund half with it and slopped it in and hurried out so thats the dose of today. Im a flake a joke. IDK I'm a wreck but I am gonna try the 2 tsp for the final 3 days. I'm self destructing. IDK what my problem is. I would like to take some weight off to be true that could be what I'm feeling in my knees. Id also like to manage my money a little better. still in search of a purpose. I think sobering up is reasoable humbleidea too good for th budget and body but well i'm stuck on that I like my drinks and I seem tobe a smoker. maybe i can quit smoking but What about when I'm edgy? or in pain? Or just in habbit. This is time for one thing at a time. so I can olny conquer temptaions as they come maybe they wont come. I went back to PP today and prayed outside as we walked nothing was impressing mejust mercy justice and grace but could be my mind and thinking aiof the heat I was praying like well take the sun out of the enemeys hand unweaponize it and in my thinking I started to wonder maybe its a weapon in front of or manmade somewhere the weaopon might be using the sun but its not the sun itself? If that makes sence.Its made sence to me. Not sure whats on the adage today yesterday we defrosted the freezer talked about getting the boat bought clamps for the trucks went yardsaleing theen well the aracade and wines. Im worried about nDea but he will surivive he seems to be good at enduring and truckin thru but I know he hurts his hand and back and so on. It kinda sucks I feel bad for him but its humbling anf I'm proud of him for depsite all this look at the man he is. So anyhow time to humble up the budget and move on in life. I have choices to make and I need to define what I am going to do with myself and change.

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