LustingforNightmares

tumbleweed
2021-06-25 10:11:57 (UTC)

not

"Deadlines - yeule Remix" by Car Seat Headrest & Yeule

[I swear, the instrumentals for this song sound... wet, idk how else to put it. They remind me of the soundtrack to the game Celeste, which was also kinda wet, if yanno what I mean]

June 25, 2021 Friday 10:12 AM

Doing great over here, my friends. Full of pee in a Honda dealer while I wait for the people to change my O2 sensors. At a semi-whim, I was supposed to go visit Maria yesterday in the greater Boston area, but my check engine light came on as I was leaving the city, LMAO. Which was really sad, I had been looking forward to it.

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June 26, 2021 Saturday 2:09 PM

Would I ever have been able to take myself seriously if I hadn't done what I did? Like—I don't regret being as extreme as I was. It's embarrassing, yes, but the alternative is not enough. I wouldn't have believed myself, not ever.

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Anyway, on a different note, it's hard to make eye contact with Isaac. I don't see myself as someone who has too much difficulty with eye contact. I can't hold it easily while I'm talking for whatever reason. I have to let my eyes drift off somewhere else, otherwise it's difficult to concentrate. But otherwise I hold it easily. Not with Isaac, though, his stare is so intense it's kind of scary. Kinda offputting, tbh. I feel bad whenever I have these sort of thoughts.

It occurred to me that maybe we're just not compatible, even as friends. The above is not *why,* but this is a thought I had afterward, that's all.

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If I ever have a serious talk with anyone ever again, I think I'll throw up. There's no such thing as angst or anxiety—I don't have any of that stuff, and if I talk about it, it's just a momentary lapse into an old act. So please, stop me before I can keep talking.

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I really like the word "not." I don't know why. Do not know why. Or, not sure why. A negation. There are lots of ways to negate. Aren't there? Are there not? That's not it. I suppose there is un- and dis- and such.

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I feel kind of vomit-y today, twitchy. Looking forward to running through the woods. Zoning out to the 4/4 time of my breathing. In through the nose, out through the mouth. In shallowly through the mouth, then back out. Then in through the nose, out through the mouth... Hopping through the grass. I don't want to get lyme disease. Speaking of things I do not want—I don't want to die.

Sometimes I think of getting older—okay very often—and how my muscles will get taut and resistant like an old rubber band, snap apart when pulled too far, not with the violent ricochet of a youthful injury, but with a relieved recession, a falling, I don't know—a rope slipping from the table and coiling onto the floor.

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Chugging water to drown out the nausea. Not sure if it's helping?

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Rubbing the bead of my tear duct to relieve the itch in my left eye.

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Was thinking about how the only black person in Sk8 the Infinity is the one handing off the illegal pin to Reki in the first episode. That's the only black representation and that's the role they chose, lol—as a dealer of sorts. I know I'm partly translating through an American lens, but there's no way that isn't racist. It's not as contentious in Japan as it would be here, obviously, because Japan is pretty homogenous. Apparently, it's even difficult for half-Japanese to live there without some discrimination. Kinda wild. Anyway it was just a passing thought.

There's an action anime coming out now and the MC is black. I can't remember if it's American or not, but it's produced by MAPPA. I wanted to watch it, but I've been more into sports animes lately, LOL. I'm re-watching Haikyuu. Maria and I were watching it together, but because of varying schedules and motivation, it took us like 6 months to get through the first 2 seasons. Haikyuu has a shitload of characters and singular games sometimes last for like 3 episodes. Anyway, I couldn't remember a lot of the characters or the arcs, so I wanted to re-watch so I could enjoy season 3 more.

Sports animes, I've heard, are attractive to female audiences because of how introspective they are and how they emphasize collaboration. Or something. I don't remember. Obviously doesn't apply to all sports animes. But the ones I like tend to be like that. Yuuri on Ice is kind of self-improvement (and romance). Sk8 the Infinity is sort of friendship-y but does involve introspection (especially Reki's character). Haikyuu is.... so so introspective. So focused on both personal and collective growth, and positive healthy interpersonal relationships.

And all of them are covered in sweat and strange-haired characters.

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I'll clean my room today. Nothing sounds particularly good.

"Nothing." Not-thing. No, what am I, stupid? No-thing. Not a thing. Lmao. I'm so dumb.

Gotta find my other bottle of pills before I run out. Frick, I'm so nauseas!

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It's cloudy today. When did cloudy days become my least favorite? Was I kidding myself when I said I liked the s-log flatness of a pre-storm sky??? Or was I just depressed and light-sensitive??? Eh, I think I like the sun now.


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