If I die today
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2021-06-26 06:51:50 (UTC)

destroyed or spared?

First things first slept from about 1a till 645ish . I had my one tsp of DTE and made coffee took the dog out for a walk. One drink yesterday at 3margatias a bartender specail margarita with dinner which was basically craberry and topped with an orange. The heat is on. I dont have complaints other than my spectrum bill is here and i feel like I cant call them till Monday to fight against the tv bill why am I being charged for tv otherwise I think I have some activation fees to suck up but its within the budget so nothing to fret. They are such high sales everytime I call I'
m pressured into something and regretfull I did chose tv with the move but then I canceled it before knowing I wouldnt need it so we never actually used it it was like I called back the next day and said no. so when I called to arn them of my move and set that up they got my suckered into tv then they I called back the next day and said oops. so anyhow I'm feelin screwed it was about 3 weeks later we activaed here. okay anyhow heres some deep thoughts.
so in 2019 I bounced around a lot. I think thats the year I left in sept from the sFoster' Ok so if Id stayed there where would I be tooday. but thinking also I wanted when I ws on the streets I kept pushing and trying for assisted living the day I got into an adult family home my doctor was gonna push for a nursing home i the AFH didnt take me. Thinking about it thou I got comfortable there real quick but I also screwed it up and i bascially got kicked out my ssdi kicked in like the 26 of oct when I asked to stay bc it was good she said oh I thought you were olny gonna be here till you got ssd then I found out from the owner that I was offending everyone (eyeroll )if thats true and that I was screwing everything up . Some of which yeah I lacked mturity other things were what I consider misunderstanding that I think comes from autism. So I didnt know what to do about food when they didnt warn me or spefically ask and everyoneelese went to eat I was never sure if I could have it bc allergies then I was told by the caregiver when I moved in that just leave your towels on the bathroom floor well the person worked there just days after I came so she was gone and I guess I pissed off the other caregivers by being so dirty and rude. then I also was told by the owner her daughter owned the mission or something anyhow was a lead role and that they had thee right to refuse anyone even me and that she was thinking i was back stabbing since I had gotten the attorney for that from nwjp. Anyhow a lot of things I got along with thee one lead manager caregiver till I left on 10-31 when I left to go to the ho/motel she didnt know anything about some of these complaints I did have one small episode bc I was frustrated changing my sheets and couldnt get help and I dont think she knew about it so anyhow I kinda did thru a tempature tamptrum thats true and the otheer things against me was something else crap now I cant rember. So anyhow IDK I do think thou that thier role wasnt fufilled inc aring for me but I also think I didnt need it. the manager didnt seem to know about all tthe grieivences against oh the bath I took baths and theres a good chance that it was probally long but I was told Iw as hogging up the bathroom taking 2 adn3? baths a day. thats a little overstatement and nuts. but whatever. look at where I am so I am slighty afraid as of late maybe when the ssd said i need a payee maybe theres some truth look at my wrecklessness but also maybe its not too bad Ive olny overdrew that one time but I feel like I overspend a bit frequently. but think about my means and look at where I am with thing I am fully provided for. What do you make out of that so a few years ago I was ready to throu in the towel and excrate and/or? fake illness and aliments to be in a home basically alone or with the old folks I personally was comfortabel even thou they weret/ anyhow I was going to live a mondane medicated life. Think about the 20-20 "scam-demic" where would I have been if I had remained under aging long term care did I get out just in time. Things that are good is that free as far as I have the right to bare arms I have the right to come and go and lets face it Im not quite on my treatment program as far as posions for the low bp I wathc what I want when I want. I have nDea think about it all this I would have never met him from a home. I also am the healthiest I've ever been. I've shed some things and pickd up some otherthings but I feel as far as living live a little more now than what would be acceptable in themedicated conditions. I do not use my white caneto walk I've been in woodsy and unstable areas a few timew tiht nDea mostly trails basically so n ot like creeper woods. Anyhow also I've done a few stairs with him except I freaked on the elevator at the mall ast night. As far as purpose thou I'm lacking. Oh did I metion I'm getting divorced that day woulda never came. And my rebellion may not have been ccpeted in quartine who knows what woulda went down if i was in a facitlity when things took off. I feel insuffient and useless but I feel good in a few ways. I'm embarassed ashamed and still a little confused on my past basicaly all thee way thru even 2020 i did some dumb sh!t even in my apt. Typically relationships are well scams and shams and/or heartache and failure when I feel like a slob and a vessel of destruction everything I touch is a mess or fail I dont feel like nDea's gonna kick me to the curb and I love him to pieces and this could be my real marriage done right no adgenda no despation or crazyiness. I feel sound but thats a feeling I guess so Were on like 6months since mid jan we started which this is a record bond for me. I worry a lot about him IDK if my clumsy stupidness and errors make him miss his ex. I'm too scared to ask bc I dont wanna know. I worry about his health aches pains and limits. His hand has really become a problem for him working he even is or was considering quitiing his job althou he likes this job hes really urting but hes not ready to throw it in. Anyhow when I walked the dog this morning we went to planned parenthood and I prayed around the outside this depseration word weighed on me. IDK if maybe its a spirit thought or feeling but something to pray on "despration". I am not recalling too much eelse that was impressed but a few thing here and there struck me. Oh so why are they closed on Sunday. According to the world sundays about GOD. althou its really not sigh but whateer are they holy for being closed Sunday pulling achicfila or hobbylobby? IDK they are closed sat tooso probaly just your everday working Joe takin thier weekends there. well I feel like I've expressed a lot for now and nothing much else I feel is nessary althou the thoguths keep coming

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