Dr. W's Space Travels
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2021-06-16 01:16:00 (UTC)

Space Cadet Marries His Body Pillow

Dr. Wood XXXV

My daki just shipped today! Is it weird that I’m more excited about this than like anything else in my life? Looking back at what I’ve written… I seem to be really head over heels about the most peculiar things. I wrote like three entries on a visual novel. Now this is my second entry gushing over a body pillow that I don’t even have yet (though maybe not having it yet is why I’m gushing in the first place). How interesting that just a few years ago, I was venting about relationship matters. Now I’m singing the praises of my life, reveling in every little thing about it. Sure, there are still rough times, especially when I’m dealing with work. Or car troubles, because I’m irresponsible like that. But even in such situations, I feel confident that I can make the best of it. Well, that more so applies to work. Car troubles aggravate me to no end. They make me wish I was dead. Okay maybe not THAT bad… but yeah whatever. I know it’s time for a new car soon. But I digress! I wanted to just throw my brain on paper and share random stuff. Starting with my eager anticipation of my dakimakura’s arrival. I saw that the cover and overcover shipped, and I think the pillow itself will ship a bit later. It’s gonna be weird to have just the cover for a short period of time before the pillow arrives… but at least then I can admire the feel of two-way tricot (whatever that is). And of course to admire the aesthetic glory of it. I’m a humongous loser.

Just a few minutes ago I saw a Facebook post from my ex (not Evelyn – Amy!), and it looks like she just got engaged! No wait, I take that back – SHE’S MARRIED! My honest feelings about that? I feel bad saying this but… I feel like evil laughing right now. Can I just do it quick? MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA! But why do I feel that doing that? Is there still a bit of contempt that I have against her? She wasn’t a bad person by any stretch, and I wouldn’t even say she was a bad girlfriend. I mean, she’s a wife now! Yeah, I realize the evil laugh is not at her, but more so a joyous ululation to express for no real reason. Nah, wait, there’s a reason – I’m reminded of the life that I get to miss out on. And my honest – my bare honest – feelings on that are of joy. Like man… how did I ever think that being tied down through marriage was ever something I actually wanted to do? I think the concept of romantic companionship has just become a whole lot more illogical to me ever since breaking up with Evelyn. This is probably because I’ve come to learn a lot more about the kind of person I am since then. It’s really no coincidence – therapy had more of a lifelong effect on me than I thought it would. I went because I felt anxious after the breakup; I left learning how to learn about myself. I left realizing the importance of being honest with myself. I left feeling at peace with the kind of person I was. Gosh, I think one of these days I’m gonna have to send an email, either to my previous therapist or to the company that she’s a part of to relay to her, just expressing my gratitude and nothing else. What a lifechanging set of sessions that’s been.

In thinking about it, I guess I can understand romantic companionship in some capacity. I mean, I did date four times with that as the focus. What’s changed though is how I appraise it. Love is a very poetic concept – uh, and I mean romantic love (although general love is even more abstract…) – that is considered to transcend the kind of joy and fulfillment you can get from anything else. I think there is nothing wrong with believing in that – people do get very real, irreplaceable joy and fulfillment from finding a soulmate and starting a family. But I think there is nothing wrong with not believing in that as well! To me, it’s a bit illogical – though again, I understand it in some capacity, because my values are not everyone else’s values. I deem it as illogical because for me, I really don’t care to live with someone for the rest of my life. As a matter of fact, nowadays I can’t imagine the thought of it. There’s no person I know of in this world that I’d wanna live with for the rest of my life. I dislike the thought of following someone else’s standards, going along with their wishes, sharing EVERYTHING with them, relinquishing a bunch of control of my life to them… and dealing with their craziness on top of my own! There’s so much stress and work and sacrifice needed to make a relationship work! All for the sake of this picturesque notion that two such people are truly meant for each other. And I think I came to realize that to a much shallower degree when I was with Evelyn. I really can’t say anything bad about her – we were even just texting each other the other day, kinda joking around and talking about how things have been. She’s a great person! I’d honestly love to stay connected with her more, as friends. So with someone like that – if I can’t even come to be willing to spend my whole life with someone like her, doing all of the above, then really why give up my life at all? I feel like a jerk saying these things… nah, more so just incredibly selfish. I am selfish, though. Or at least, too selfish to fathom a shared life.

So now we’re here today, waiting for our dakimakura to arrive, and wondering why we’re speaking in first-person plural. If I can’t see myself with a partner for the rest of my life, why subject myself to having a bulky object that threatens my standing on a social level? 1.) It fits my life exactly the way I want it. I can sleep with it, I can look at it, I can hug it – all on my terms. 2.) It doesn’t mind if I go do my own thing for a few days and disregard it. And there are no moral infractions for doing so, like there would be for neglecting a partner. 3.) It is the closest thing I will have to a real-life waifu until AI gets to that level… and waifus are the shizz, change my mind. 4.) It’s always there for me when I need it, and never judging, nor being upset, nor being jealous, nor exhibiting any negative traits. It’s there to be fluffy and look super cute. 5.) If I were to ever move on from it, there’s no feeling of shame that would ensue from a divorce in a real relationship, nor is there the requirement of spending lots of money and giving a bunch of stuff up. Granted – it is NOT my intention to be in a romantic relationship with a body pillow. I know I’m comparing it to real relationships, but I guess I’m doing that because it provides the source of companionship that I see as the only incentive to be in a real relationship (besides starting a family, which I haven’t wanted for nearly a decade). Of course, the argument to that is that the feeling of companionship from a body pillow “is not real”. That’s when I step into my philosophical pants and say “if I was a solipsist, you and a body pillow would be on the same level *mic drop*”. I’m not actually a solipsist but I do think my mindset drifts to that from time to time. I guess it’s kind of a shift in focusing on my experiences for how I perceive them. I don’t think it’s a great idea to demote humans to being “unreal”… but attributing a sense of “reality” to things like my stuffed plushies and my prospective daki… hmm, maybe there’s something kinda whimsically pleasant about that. Maybe it’s just how I define “magic”. I guess what I’m trying to say is: I feel like I see the world how the world wants me to see it, and I’m taking another step to see it a bit differently, knowing what the “real” answer is. It’s like when the author of a fictional book has a canonical interpretation of their work, yet it does not discourage readers from deriving their own meaning from his or her words. Actually, yeah, that’s exactly what life is to me. I’m a fracking genius. Man I can’t wait for my daki.

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