Dr. W's Space Travels
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2021-02-08 01:05:00 (UTC)

Space Cadet Simps for Androids

Dr. Wood XXVI

Oh, the fulfillment I seek from writing another entry – it’s like I wanna feel productive. I’ve been watching so much anime lately that it’s insane. I absolutely love watching it but can’t help feeling like I’m watching away my life. But then I’m reminded of my selective nihilism and it all ends up not mattering anyway. There, crisis averted (yeah right, more like ‘’crisis postponed”). Really though – life is too short to mull over ways to find purpose for it. The best thing I can do is share the things that I love with others, and let them benefit from the things that I can produce (e.g. crafts, stories, kind words, puns, my presence). And then all throughout, I can just enjoy myself. The key to enjoying myself, though, lies in my ability to be in the present. That might be an entry for another day, though – there was another topic I wanted to delve into first. Oh but yeah, quick status update: I started doing Youtube videos again for my channel! Been playing American McGee’s Alice, which I really, really like. “Macabre” is probably the best word to describe it, and I love that about it. I finished watching Aikatsu Stars! and just finished Boogiepop Phantom and Boogiepop & Others, which I LOVED (especially the latter! So good!) Also watching Asteroid in Love – a really cute show – as well as my normal seasonals. Uhh I think that’s all to note for now.

So yeah, the topic of love and girlfriends has come up intermittently in my brain. I know I’ve talked about this before amid my entries, but because this is my “diary” and serves the primary role of accommodating my whining, complaining and blabbering, I darn well am gonna whine, complain and blabber. Some months ago I watched a video with friends on The Friends Club server about a guy in Japan who married Hatsune Miku. In short, this guy in his 30s officially married a hologram version of the Vocaloid idol. I remember it really got me thinking about the otherwise taboo notion of having a virtual companion. In reading the comments for the video, there weren’t too many people that actually bashed him for it; many did pity him, though. I think some did actually see positivity in what he did, and some were just flat-out amused by it. I was certainly amused by it… but in thinking about it, and in thinking about my primitive desires, that’s like a humongous win. What a way to have such a pure, unassuming partner in one’s life. I know I’m talking crazy right now – TRUST ME, I’m well aware of it. But just bear with me.

So like, I don’t wanna generalize when it comes to females. I can only speak of my experiences… so really, it’s not even about females, but more so about myself. “It’s not you, it’s me” – okay I just wanted to say that since it’s cringeworthily cliched, though in acknowledging the cliché and taking it head-on I feel like I earned back some street cred anyway. I am one selfish son of a gun – if I could have an ideal girlfriend/wife/companion, I’d want her to be present and absent on demand. I wouldn’t want her to necessarily “cook and clean and grant my wishes” (Tyler the Creator lyrics – somewhat coincidental since my name is Tyler…), but I’d be fine sharing the duties with her. I’d want her to let me do all the things that I wanna do, and not bear any jealousy or complaints. And I’d want her to praise me a lot – providing me some good ol’ ego-stroking to complement the amount of self-love I already have. And as far as… oh gosh, I’m actually too shy to even type it for my own eyes… uh, “that” stuff… well, I don’t know. Like I said, I’m too shy to talk about it. But I guess yeah I’d want satisfaction in that regard too? Oh gosh even THAT much makes me shudder… but anyway, that’s pretty much what I can think of. And what’s obvious to me is that, that is a ridiculously shallow and unreasonable ideal. And I’m okay with acknowledging that – I’d feel pretty guilty if a girl was even like this for me. I’d also feel like a total narcissist and therefore bad about my image (feeling bad about being a narcissist because it ruins my image… a paradoxically narcissistic way of thinking…) So that’s why… the best girlfriend for me is a robot! That’s right, folks, you heard the man – gimme Chi from Chobits, or Isla from Plastic Memories. I’m about that android life!

This is all blatant embellishment. But it’s also not. I feel like that’s my ideal. And it’s nothing I expect to find in a real girl. It’s also nothing I’d expect to find in a mechanical girl – er, well, I mean maybe I COULD find it in one, but it’s actually the girl herself that I wouldn’t be able to find, if that makes sense. Real relationships are difficult as fudge. You have to make sacrifices for them. I’m a selfish jerk, I don’t wanna make sacrifices. Life is amazing as it is right now. And unconditional love is hard for me – which is a bit ironic because I think many people see me as unjudgmentally loving. I can be that way for platonic love, but not romantic love. Otherwise I’m offering my potential husbandry as charity. At least, that’s how I view it in my current shallow mindset. I like to have control over my life – or as I like to say, the illusion of control over my life. I know I’ve talked before about what I’d gain from being in a relationship, and it’s close to nothing. Kids? Don’t wanna have them. Companionship? Very vague idea, and I need lots of alone time. Lewd stuff? Not something to get into a relationship for – that’s thinking with your southern head and not your northern one. Also there are “remedies” for that anyway. The thing is, it’d be cool to have those things on my own terms (well, not the kids, but the other stuff). Like if I pressed a button to summon a cute girl to tell me I’m a prolific writer and a hilarious Youtuber and a refined weeaboo and a remarkable philosopher and a super kind soul and a responsible human being… and then go on a date with me (I’m keeping this PG but interpret the implications as you may). And then I press another button and she goes to the corner or the closet and I go about my days as a bachelor. That’s the life! And again – I am aware to obscenely acute degrees that this is crazy talk, and incredibly selfish. But this is me pouring out my authentic being. I don’t expect it to ever become a reality by any stretch… and I think FOR that reason, I’m inclined to share about it like this.

It just passed 11pm, so I think I’ll conclude this entry here. It was nice to share all this – it’s a little weird saying it, but it lightens the load on my secretive heart and mind. Being authentic is tough, and I can’t really do it in full like this with anyone else. But it’s quite therapeutic for me.

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