Dr. W's Space Travels
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2021-01-16 01:04:00 (UTC)

Space Cadet Has Post-Novel Depression

Dr. Wood XXV

I put this entry off a little longer than I intended, though I’m pretty impressed with myself for writing it within the span of two weeks. I’m now well into my vacation and will be going back to work in two days. I’m trying to get into the mindset of tomorrow being my last day (since it’s a Sunday), so that “remembering” that I have Monday off as well (for MLK Day) will bring me a feeling of relief. It’s a weird mental game I play with myself… I know it’s probably weird. But anyway – got lots to say today! First and foremost – I finally finished my story! Paradise Key has been completed – and I danced a whole bunch after putting the last quotation mark on it. Of course, I’ve made some revisions since then… but I’m at the point where I can start sharing it with people who are willing to give me some advice on it. This part makes me a bit nervous because of the notion that I might be way off-base with what and how I write. An example would be a gaping plot hole, or giving characters very unnatural behavior and decision-making capacities. This is how I’m gonna grow, though, and this is how I can make my story better. I have to try to see it in that light and embrace the criticism that comes my way. Nonetheless, the worry that’s come of it, coupled with general feelings of unproductivity and dread from a waning vacation, has me feeling a bit down. At the moment I actually feel pretty decent, though. Writing these entries is extremely therapeutic in that sense.

More on unproductivity (which I’m surprised is a word, actually)… now that I’ve finished writing, I kinda feel like I don’t have a “goal” to work towards any more. There’s still a lot to be done for my story (e.g. getting feedback, making more revisions, commissioning art and binding), but the part that required continuous effort and imagination is done. I realize (and I’ve realized this before) that I really need something to work towards in order to be fulfilled. A hedonistic lifestyle is really not sufficient. Which should honestly be blatantly apparent to me – and it is – but it seems I forget that and instead return to relishing in the land of the material without fail. Eh, by the way – when I say “hedonistic”, I mean it in a less traditional way. I’m not “bangin’ around” or going to parties. But I feel like I’m doing a nerdy equivalent of that: watching fudge loads of anime, decorating the “otaku pad” in my bedroom (I’ve given it names such as “weeb dungeon” and “weeb café” as well), and playing video games. I’ve put so much less thought into making a difference in the world any more – everything’s been all about me. Well, at least that’s how I perceive it. There are things I still do to do positive – for example, I had my aunts, cousin and brother over for a homecooked lunch last Sunday. That was a lot of fun and I loved having them over. They also said my lunch was really good (I made them my gourmet grilled cheese!) There are also still little things I do to bring about positivity… but it wasn’t like before. And regarding my story… I don’t really care to make a profit off of it. I’m fine with selling it at like a convention or something at a net loss. I just want people to read my story. I want the products of my imagination to make a difference. But really, I know that’s more so me looking for that good ol’ ego stroke… right? I love being praised. I love being told I’m awesome and creative and kind and intelligent. I’m as selfish as can be. I’m doing less reaching out to others and more indulging in comforts. I’m doing things with a focus on benefiting me.

This could be me reading too deeply into my own actions, I’ll admit. Although, me saying so might be an excuse to alleviate shame… ‘cause if I dismiss it as me overthinking, then I can continue such a lifestyle without guilt. But now I’m going back and forth in my head… because I don’t know that I really want to change my lifestyle. Why do I feel guilty about not being productive? Why do I care so much about making a difference in the world? In the end, fulfillment too is selfish… though of course, fulfillment through taking action for enhancing other people’s lives is kind of a win-win thing. Not all selfishness is inherently bad. Then again, I’m not really one to judge any form of selfishness… okay I’m getting off track and going on a typing rampage right now. Slow down, Tyler… anyway, that’s just a glimpse of the angst going on within me these days. Seems to be a product of my vacation coming to a close. I don’t really feel like talking any more about it so I’ll move on to something else.

My vacation has been fun! I do basically all of what I mentioned before when I spoke of the nerdy hedonistic lifestyle. Been watching sooooo much anime. On the Friends Club server, a small group of us is watching all of Sword Art Online. I’m actually really digging it right now, especially the third season of it which we’re currently watching! I also just finished Bakemonogatari – a very unusual show with a unique method of storytelling. It wasn’t really my cup of tea to be honest, but I can definitely respect it. It’s obviously well-reputed in the anime community so there’s certainly a reason for it. I’m watching a bunch of seasonal shows… let’s see… the final season of Attack on Titan, the second season of The Promised Neverland, New Higurashi, Mushoku Tensei, So I’m a Spider, So What?, and Horimiya. Then on my own, I’m watching Anima Yell! and have once again picked up Aikatsu Stars! Lots and lots of shows to watch… but I’m loving it! I haven’t actually been playing video games much lately – I’ve just been watching lots of anime. It’s great, even if it causes me to question if I’m wasting my life away sometimes. I guess if I’m enjoying it and I can discuss it with others, it’s doing much more good than bad.

I’m starting to get a bit distracted so I think I’m gonna pause for now. I’m hoping I can do another entry soon so I’m not just playing catch-up all the time with my life story. I’d like to actually explore some topics some time. Anyway, that’s it for now!