Dr. W's Space Travels
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2020-05-30 00:49:00 (UTC)

Space Cadet Gets Admonished By His Little Brother

Dr. Wood XV

Another weekend in the life… this was the first time going out and hanging out with people since the start of the outbreak. I wanted to visit my brother on his birthday, so I ended up doing so today (earlier he asked me if I could help move a futon for him with my truck, but I was already planning on coming over to surprise him). Friday night I was feeling very anxious about things, amid the thoughts of finally going out after so long, not having a gift prepared for Eric, and the events and FB reactions surrounding the death of George Floyd. This morning was better, though. I ended up driving to Maido to pick up some takoyaki for him since he adores it (I also got okonomiyaki for myself), and we spent the time with our relatives at our Aunt Carolyn’s house. I was fine for the most part, although I did admit to them that I was a bit anxious about the whole thing. The way I explained it was that I had invested a lot into reprogramming my otherwise lax brain to take the virus seriously, which is partially what triggered me to cancel my March 2020 Japan trip. So I had been taking everything seriously and isolating myself as much as possible, breaking only to pick up groceries once every three weeks. Even then, I would wear a mask, bring hand sanitizer, wash my hands three times when coming home, and then shower immediately after, with everything I wore (including my jacket) going into the hamper. My point it, this was a big step for me. It seemed that everyone respected the reasons why I was feeling the way I was feeling, but I still feel a bit bad about it. I don’t really know. No one is completely sure of what’s going on with this thing.

I’ve got a lot on my mind now. The day’s been chockfull of goings on. I skipped breakfast. I wrestled with my car not starting (my fault, probably). I worried about my car overheating. I bought food at Maido. I hung out with relatives after not seeing them for so long. I ate cake. I helped haul a futon to a storage unit. I listened to my FL Studio music in the car for the first time. I watched DashieGames beat the Saw video game. I had an insanely fun and funny session during this month’s Astral Shift dev call. I baked French fries. I guess one thing in particular that led to a lot of thinking time was being in the car for so long. The car is like a petri dish for thinking. Okay that kinda gives it a negative connotation but I think I just wanted to use “petri dish” as a metaphor. It was good thinking time though. One thing in particular that my brother mentioned to me (and I think my grandmother backed him up on it) was that I was constantly underselling myself. The context was regarding people getting cum laude, magna cum laude and summa cum laude honors in school. I speculated which one I got from college (I said I thought it was magna cum laude, though it’s actually cum laude… the ONE time I oversell myself…), but then said it really didn’t mean much since the courses were online. Eric called me out on selling myself short, and alluded to a few other examples of where that happened. It turned a bit into discussing other things, like how I always want to be right and put more effort into making my point instead of improving myself. Actually the way I wrote that right now sounds a LOT harsher and tactless than it actually was. And I’m not really writing this to refute what he’s saying. My initial feelings though were to take offense to what he was saying. I didn’t think he knew my truest thinking patterns. But while that might be true, maybe he sees something I don’t see. Even if I feel like I understand myself well, what I portray to others might not accurately reflect that. Or maybe it does and I’m even too blind to see that much. I acknowledge that I felt like his words undermined the way I see myself. Now that I have done so, I think there is merit in such words. I did shortly after express to him that I agreed with the notions he was pointing out to me, but I now see more of what my problem was and is.

As humble as I try to be, I do seem to have some trouble taking advice from those junior to me. Maybe not so much by a year, but three years is too much (apparently). It’s possible I portray that sentiment without knowing it. That would indeed be frustrating for a younger brother who’s really just trying to look out for his older brother. At the same time, it’s a bit tough to counter that way of thinking. I for one know that there are close family members that see my life as sad. My career aspirations are relaxed, my motivation for a romantic relationship is virtually nonexistent, and I spend a lot of time by myself. The thing that triggers that assertion is hearing “I just want you to be happy”. I don’t think that’s false, but I feel like that somewhat implies that my current lifestyle does not yield happiness for me. And THAT part is false. And it’s not just a lie I tell myself, either. I am happy. And if I were to lie about being happy and still go through the same exact actions that I go through on a daily basis, it wouldn’t make a difference anyway. I don’t know if that specific point is out of left field but I’m just trying to say that I would like people to trust in me when I say that I’m happy.

So I’m actually really tired at the moment. Man it’s not even midnight. I didn’t wake up early, either. Been an eventful day, though. I’m thinking of watching one more episode of my newest anime – Hinamatsuri – with a light snack and some water, then calling it a night. Life is good.

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