Dr. W's Space Travels
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2020-05-18 00:47:00 (UTC)

Space Cadet Becomes a Solipsist

Dr. Wood XII

Wow these Dr. Wood sessions are starting to become regular for me. Right now I’m about a half hour away from heading to bed, but I figured a good way to kick off the sleepy sleep routine would be to do one of these. I’m so happy and grateful to not have any issues on my mind right now, aside from the woes from the outbreak. I just finished watching another episode of Gal & Dino… honestly very wholesome and adorable. I want a dinosaur. I also played more Clannad, and ate banana cream… which may be my new healthy version of ice cream. Imagine that – eating ice cream that’s healthy. Heaven could not be any closer to the mortal’s touch, could it? Oh, and I’ve been working on my newest story, “Paradise Key”. At least, I think I’m gonna name it that. I recently realized that I hadn’t finished a single story in my adult life. I’d finished three as a kid, but none as an adult. I’ve attempted to write stories… let’s see… six times, I think? Like, six legitimate times. At least two of them have a chance of being finished… the rest are history, thanks to the inevitable paradigm shifts of my life. But I’m all right with that. I’m trying not to regret the time I spent writing them. Actually I don’t think I need to try not to – they’re reminders that no matter how many times I’ve failed to complete something, I still kept trying. That’s right – I am a writer, muthafloppaaaz.

My before-30 list is crucial now. I’m 28 years old – I have less than two years to do what I’ve wanted to do. God this sounds so dramatic. That’s fine though. I have less than two years (fewer than two years? Dunno…) to finally accomplish some cool stuff. Like finishing a dang book! I was thinking that I would finish my Danganronpa fanfiction by the age of 30, but I don’t even think that’s gonna happen at this rate. That’s gonna be a long son of a gun. I’m a bit over halfway done… with the first chapter. And there’s gonna be six chapters. Reminds me that every day is to be savored. Carpe diem all the way, folks. I constantly have to remind myself not to live for only the weekends. Every weekday is like a Friday, and every weekend is like a birthday weekend. Or so I’d like to always think. It’s easier for me to do it now than ever since my mind is not burdened with anything. Ever since the issue with me aggressively berating myself for mistakes made at work dissipated, I’ve felt like a free man. Man I really owe it to my therapist for that one. But I’m sure she’d tell me it was my doing. So good job, T.

It’s interesting thinking about what part of writing I like most. Do I savor the journey, or do I just yearn for the end result? That in itself is a bit of a leading question because I don’t think there’s anything wrong with wanting to behold the completed gem for once. I mean, it’s been over ten years since I got to do something like that. I’m so hoping that this story I’m writing can one day be complete. But I am also trying to enjoy writing it. I have the main ideas plotted out in my head, from start to finish, but many of those small details kinda just appear on a whim… which is enjoyable. I like being able to see what I can spontaneously come up with. It adds color to the outlines that I have in my brain. I think something that helps a bit is that I’ve had the idea to write this particular story for a while. It also helps that it’s kind of light novel-style (so, anime-like), and anime is something that I think I’ll love for eternity. Yeah, even when I’m dead. At least bury me with a manga. Err, a full manga series. But wait, I wanna be cremated. Fudge, I don’t know how that’ll work then. Anyway, I have a decent feeling that I can do this, I really do. I’m 28 now, and my brain is in its prime (I think? Oh dear god imagining my brain is in its prime… and it’s as convoluted as it is… welp…) I don’t think there’s any harm in being optimistic about this right now. I’m gonna ride out this literary adrenaline I have and go for it.

I should really be going to bed soon, however I wanted to just write one more paragraph. I don’t really have anything specific to write, but it’d be nice to see two pages appear on this Word document. I feel like everything I do now ties into my amalgam of philosophies on life. There’s a touch of altruism, a touch of hedonism, a touch of solipsism (wait actually that might be a different, much more depressing story…), and a touch of other things I don’t have terms for at the moment because I’m failing to sound smart to myself and potential readers. I guess in other words, I can’t help to think of the “why” of my actions, no matter what those actions are. Which is kind of a throwback to my old thinking habits, except now I’m thinking about myself more. And, I’ve embraced my ego and benevolent selfishness. I’m okay with writing a book to entertain people and thus make a legacy in the world with my unique thought patterns and imagination. I don’t need to hide from it. I’m okay with it because I think it’s okay to be that way and to have that. I do have a very real unease about what happens after death and I have no spiritual life currently. The only thing I know for sure of is that there will be material remains of me after I’m gone. If someone can benefit from what I’ve left behind, then yay I’m still “alive” of sorts! There’s a bit of childishness to the thinking, but I don’t really care. It’s one of the few things that my early 2012 self came up with that I still agree with. It’s kinda warped and a bit of a stretch, but it makes sense in my mind. And if I can create an illusion that I believe in, then there’s nothing more I could ask for.

Wow, I’ll admit that sounds profound. Go 11:30pm Tyler! Okay ego-stroking aside… I might actually have to write that again. If I can create an illusion that I believe in, then there’s nothing more I could ask for. I feel like that’s religion, except religion is corroborated by others, which makes it seem less like an illusion. How atheistic of me to say that. I’m supposed to be an agnostic atheist, but I think that statement’s a bit on the gnostic side. Oh well. But seriously… do I actually wanna create a difference in the world, or do I just want to believe that I can? The impulsive answer would be that I do wanna create a difference. I mean, objectively speaking, that would make the most sensible answer. But it’s also a bit of a paradoxical question, and one that makes no sense to ask. But I asked it anyway, so yeah. If I just wanted to believe that I can change the world, selecting that answer would imply that I won’t actually change the world. Knowing that implication would thus lead me to disbelieve in my ability to do so, rendering the choice virtually impossible. But if someone could look at my life and my mind (whoever’s doing that is one unfortunate soul…) and make the determination of whether I truly wanna change the world or whether I’m content with believing in a lie about me being able to do it, they might see that it’s the latter. Who knows? It’s like would I rather have a wife who is completely faithful to me, or a wife that cheats without me ever knowing it nor suspecting it? I’d obviously pick the first one – most people would – but if I never knew about the cheating, is there really a difference for me? Ah, yes, I see the problem now – I’m at the center of these questions. I haven’t been paying heed to the effects to everyone else. Living a lie about changing the world doesn’t help anyone. The cheating wife that I don’t know about might fool me, but she hurts herself, and I guess whomever she’s cheating with. I guess that’s something I need to consider more closely. Maybe there’s the solipsism creeping in – that I’m the only one with feelings and therefore the only one affected by my actions. But again, that’s a depressing story, so let’s table it for Dr. Wood XXVII (I’m gonna remember that… sike…) Okay this was all a bunch of gibberish – it was supposed to be me just talking about the simple act of writing. Well, maybe that was a self-fulfilling prophecy – here I am, writing away. At least I had fun with it, though. Maybe I’ll read this later and enjoy the fruits of my dreamlike state right now. They might be sour fruits… but they’ll be enjoyable, all right. And like I said – I am a writer, muthafloppaaaz.