Dr. W's Space Travels
Space Cadet Rues His Breakup
Dr. Wood VI
I meant to write something much more pertinent two days ago, but it turned into a mess of weird thoughts and emotions. But now I’m going to attempt to make some sort of sense, relevant to why I still love Evelyn and yet want to move on, and don’t want to fight for us. After thinking about it today, I realize I simply just don’t want to move to Hong Kong, and I know that moving to Hong Kong would be the only way to make this work. If there was a way to make it work outside of moving to Hong Kong, I guess I’d have to consider that too. But, at this point I feel like it’s all too late. I’m too deeply rooted in my new life, and I don’t feel like I can get back into such a relationship lifestyle. I also feel like I’m too far gone in what I’ve conveyed to Evelyn regarding where I stand in the relationship. I’ve made it clear that the relationship is not worth the work, that she is not worth the work. At least, that is how society may see it. I disagree with that sentiment of course – she IS worth the work to fix the relationship, but I just don’t want to do it any more. I’m so fatigued and stressed from the relationship that I don’t have the desire to do it. I am fatigued and stressed from it because of all of the mental anguish and internal struggles that I’ve been dealing with.
The hardest part is describing to Evelyn these sorts of internal goings-on. It’s all these tiny little things that push me toward feeling good or feeling bad about something. Examples: the struggle of potential life in Hong Kong – the feeling of being alone, the feeling of falling short in my job, the feeling of having a blue fire and then hating everything around me, the feeling of increased anger when things don’t go right between Evelyn and I. The struggle of dealing with multiple perspectives – people tell me to follow what I think makes me happy, people tell me to think from Evelyn’s point of view, people tell me to shed my pride, people tell me to suck it up, people tell me to be honest about my feelings. The struggle of existentialism – why put effort into anything when it won’t matter? Is the spiritualism of true love really true, or real? Is the hedonistic lifestyle the way to go? Should I focus more on doing things for the greater good? Will this relationship optimize my ability to make the most out of my life? Will it do the same for Evelyn? I let myself crumble under all these struggles and I procrastinated on dealing with them. It’s so much easier to just ignore it all. I’m all about the path of least resistance, which works well in some cases and horribly in others.
I honestly still love her. If the situation was more ideal, I would reconsider fighting for the relationship. But the situation is not ideal, and even if it was, the fact that I said the first sentence in this paragraph signifies that I’m too selfish for a relationship. If I have to wait for circumstances to be favorable before pursuing love, then it must be half-baked. But I don’t want to believe it’s half-baked. I feel that I truly love Evelyn still, and I feel that I will continue to do so indefinitely. I feel like a jerk, but I guess I just have to accept that I am one? I don’t know. Why do I still love her? She’s obviously a stand-out person and really allows me to grow. I guess my question is, do I really want to grow? Do I really care any more to grow? I’ve become so nihilistic in my ways that my lack of care for things has increased dramatically, or at least it feels that way. I’m starting to “hate” things more. Not hate, but “hate”. Like, get annoyed by things more easily. Of course, I almost never show it because I don’t wanna be an annoyed person. But I know if I keep talking about this I won’t stop. So I’ll stop now.